Parenting adult children: 2014

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Blessings

I am so blessed to be the mother of these children. We have had a wonderful summer. Last night we experienced what will probably be our last summer adventure for this year. We went moonlight paddling on Gunnison Lake (aka The Goshen Ocean, but I like it there and it deserves its real name). The moonlight shone on the trees making it look like a beautiful silver-gray frost had covered the area. Two canoes and three kayaks played on the water. We laughed and made funny echoes and maybe splashed each other a little. The water was much warmer than the air. Patrick disappeared into the dark shadows of the trees and then used stealth mode to come up behind us all.

Being the third boat out, I had the opportunity to stand at the top of the levy looking and listening. The moonlight, the shadows, the echoing laughter, the camaraderie, the love brought tears to my eyes. I have great kids!

Earlier in the day the granddaughter joined on an expedition to Concord to get field hockey equipment. Her mama was feeling under the weather (no, she is not pregnant. I asked.) so we offered to take the munchkin while mama slept. The excitement of the aunties filled me. There was no hesitation in helping their sister plus the bonus of the niece!! The love and joy among all of them including the granddaughter, again, near tears. Now maybe I need to check those menopausal hormones, but I am going with great kids.

Maybe it is the losses.

My nephew got his license yesterday. I am quite proud of him, by the way. He was so excited and happy and in amazement that he had only had his license for a couple of hours and he had already driven here and there and there and here... We are very happy for him. And I might be a little sad. Once that license comes the separation starts.

The almost tears were happy, grateful tears with maybe a little sad mixed in. I know there will be many more times in our lives when the kids are all together, but I am already noticing the missing people. My two big girls have moved on. They are still close, Mary lives here, for goodness sake. But they have their own lives, as it should be. My boy is close to being a real grown up. He is on 4H Teen Council this year. I am anticipating that he will mature in that roll as the older two did. I will have many moments to be proud...and a little bit sad as this will be his last Teen Conference. Even Patrick started that college preparation language. My #5 little girl is taller than her sisters and about to start all those teen things that will take her away from me, the Big E, Teen Conference, South Church Canoe Trip, hanging out with my dad, his wife, and her family. All great things and I am glad she is ready for them but...it means she is on the way out too.

There are all kinds of cliches here; enjoy the moment, stop and smell the roses, etc., etc. But really, this moment will never come again. As my children get older and, mainly, as they move on, I understand this cliche. I feel it in my heart. Thank God for this moment, because it will never come again. Other moments will come, but this one, if you miss it, is gone.

I suppose I should be looking forward to 'having my life back'. Some things are easier now. Traveling is a piece of cake compared to traveling with babies and toddlers and diapers and potty breaks and car seats and and and. Phew! I don't feel like I don't have my life. My fabulous husband and my wonderful older kids are great about making sure I can do things I want. It makes everyone's lives better if Mama is happy. And to keep Mama happy, it is important for Mama to do grown up woman things. But...my life has never been more full and comfortable than since that first baby. This is my life. I don't want the old one back. I love this one.

I do look forward to what comes sometimes. But those losses pop up again. There are already holidays without everyone. Will it come to a time when Steve and I celebrate a quiet Christmas morning with just the two of us? I can't even, I don't,..Let's not even...

Anyway, moving on.

As parents of adult children, the losses are a part of life now. It stinks. And yet, there are good points. I will try to savor every moment so if that Christmas morning comes we can sip hot cocoa with all the marshmallows the cup will hold and reminisce about that time I took the kids moonlight paddling and I couldn't back the trailer up so we had to take it off , turn the van around, and hitch the trailer back up.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Body image

So what did I learn today about parenting adult children?

Um, I don't know.

Maybe we will look at body image. My oldest asked me the other day how to teach good body image. I asked her if she felt good about her body, if she had a good body image. We had a discussion about it. I have no idea how to accomplish such a thing. I guess we didn't get it horribly wrong because the girls seem to be relatively well adjusted in that area. 'Don't be a chauvinist. What about the boys?' you say. I have no idea. Do boys care? Hang on and I will ask them...They said they are good and some boys probably do worry about it but they really don't. So I guess we did ok with the boys too?

I shall tell you a story. Not to make you feel bad for me but to illustrate how we can influence how our children feel about themselves. Take from it what you will.

When I was little I was tiny until I was 4. Somewhere between 3 and 4 I ballooned to something like the 95th percentile in weight with no corresponding jump in height. During elementary school my grandparents would tell my sister not to have another glass of milk because she would end up looking like me. My cousin and his friend called me Helen the big fat watermelon. Junior high brought being removed from class once a week to be weighed with the intent of helping us fat kids get not fat. By high school, one day while working as a cashier at the local grocery store, an older lady, one of my grandma's friends, coming through my line stopped me, took my hand, and while patting it said, "You would be such a beautiful girl if you weren't so big." So by graduation, I knew the regular stuff that one learns in school as well as the fact that I was smart and I better play on that because I certainly wasn't getting anywhere on looks. I was not pretty because I was fat.

Actually, I was relatively ok with that. I was smart. I dressed nicely because it was appropriate and I had to make the most of that first impression since I was not pretty. I had quite few really close male friends. I was safe because girlfriends didn't find me a threat. They came and went but I stayed so that was cool. Then along came Steve. He was cute, and nice, and didn't seem to notice that I wasn't pretty.

Fast forward to our wedding day. Now when Steve looked at me as I came down the aisle, I felt beautiful! Even though I knew I wasn't, I felt it. Skip next to the day after Liz was born. Steve walked into our hospital room and from the look on his face I knew he saw a beautiful person, but not a physically beautiful person.

Again, don't feel bad for me. I was mostly ok with this. I was well aware that I had good qualities. Physical beauty was not one of them. Feel bad for my hubby. No matter how many times he told me that I was beautiful or how he told me, I did not believe him. I believed he thought it was true but I knew it wasn't because I had 18, 25, 40 years of evidence that proved otherwise.

Fast forward again to now. Recently, someone from high school posted some throw-back pictures. I noticed that there were several other girls in my class that were just as heavy as I was. Why was I singled out as the fat girl? Then just a week or so ago, a cousin posted another throw-back picture of us cousins. I noticed that I really was not huge like I had always believed or been told. Could it be that maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought? Could I be pretty, maybe just a little? I do have great hair, but that is a far cry from beauty. Then I caught a glimpse of someone in the mirror who was a little pretty...and it was me. Stupid, right? Then I came down stairs just a couple of days ago and Liz told me that the outfit I had on was 'super cute'. When Steve got here he said I looked nice. What? Maybe I could be pretty even though I was overweight? Mind you, by this time in my life I am definitely overweight. But maybe loosing weight would not be useless in the beauty department? Pretty in spite of heavy?

Probably, by now you are all starting a fund to get me a therapist. What did this story have to do with anything? Oh, yeah, we were talking about body image. Like I said, take from it what you will.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Vacation

Aahhhh, vacation. No cell service, no rules, and pants are not required.

Ha,ha, I guess that last part might need a little explanation...one can hang out in a bathing suit all day, one need not put pants on.

Ok, there aren't exactly no rules. Common sense and safety are still a must but other things kind of go by the wayside. Like running down a hill, you can do that at camp. The 'hill' is grass and ends at the lake, running is almost mandatory. And yes, it is acceptable to crawl through the window on the porch. Oh, and, just one more s'more...definitely ok on vacation.

I am really enjoying vacation with bigger kids. Admit it, moms don't usually get 'vacation' on vacation. Someone still has to cook and clean up and change diapers, and help with swim clothes, and, and, and. Now that the youngest is six, almost 7, vacation is so much more vacationy. This year, I have not done dishes more than once a day and have only cooked one of three meals a day. Everyone can get his or her own clothes changed....as a matter of fact, everyone packed his or her own clothes! The older kids take on duties like packing the kayaking necessities and getting together the dog's stuff. I trained them well.

I think that is the key. I try to take the time to teach them, to involve them in the details of what needs to happen. Sometimes it meant taking more time than if I just did it myself but the benefits are worth it. Right now for example, Mary is starting the fire for marshmallows; #6 is doing supper dishes. In a little while I will be brought as many s'mores as I want. I won't even have to get up from my chair. It may have been a lot of work then and still some now (I do have a few more to get to 'older' status), but it is oh so worth it now.

Do I feel guilty for 'making' them do 'all' the work? Please. Really? No. Not in the least. And again, no.

First, I don't make them do all the work. We try to make sure the kids get vacation too. I don't actually ask them to do any of it. Well, ok, I insist everyone helps pack and unpack and I don't provide maid service. But otherwise, they help because they are good kids. Because we raised them to be good kids. We teach them the value of manners and respect. We try to give them good examples of appropriate behavior and we try to point out when behavior could be improved. Is it easy? Nope, not usually. But what worth it is.

I feel like I have an advantage most people don't. Because I have eight kids ranging in age from 21 to 6, I get to see the benefits of my 'work' while I am still working. I get to watch my olders practice what we taught them while I am still working on the youngers. I can see where things were good and weed out what may not have helped. I can evaluate and make changes in real time! Sometimes that doesn't go over well with my older kids. To bad, so sad! Just kidding...If they ask I will explain the reasoning and they can learn from that too, if they want...but not while we are on vacation.

Sorry, gotta go. My peanut butter cup s'more is on the way up the hill.

So late but worth the read

Well, I guess I failed at not letting too much time pass between posts. Life can so easily get out of control and before you know it lots of time has been lost. Thankfully, not all of that time was wasted. We had a Lent that was full of suffering. But our Easter was...ok, our 8 year old, #7, got bit by a dog and we spent part of Easter Day at the ER and then chatting with two very nice policemen in our living room. Did you know ERs have to report dog bites? Anyway, other than that it was a good day.
We took an emergency trip to Tennessee during Lent. My husband's mother was taken to the hospital and once there for a day or so, the doctors said that family should be called. My husband flew out the next morning. By God's grace, his mom waited until he got there. He went in, spoke to her and held her hand. He then went into the hall to talk with his dad and brother. About 15 minutes later, she died.
The kids and I left the next morning, a Tuesday. It was decided that the little boys would stay with their oldest sister. She was not ready to make the 24 hour trip with the baby. (And actually, neither were we. Been there, done that...not a good time.) So we packed on Monday night, got up at a reasonable time and off we went. Like the well trained women that we are, Mary and I had called our mechanic and explained the situation - we were headed to TN from NH and Dad was already gone so could they check over the 15 passenger van before we left. The van got its travel papers. Mary and I gave each other gold stars for thinking ahead to actually take care of that whole thing. And we went...I said that already.
Anyway, it turned into a very nice morning for travel. About three hours from home it was getting warm so we kicked on the AC to cool off the van just a little. Next thing we know, the heat is pouring out and the temperature gauge is way in the red zone. We pulled into the parking lot of a Rite Aid in Latham, NY. I called Steve. I really don't know what I expected him to do from nearly 1200 miles away. And yet, he did what he always does...restored me to non-panic, take-care-of-the-situation mode. While I called Allstate Roadside Assistance, Mary, my beautifully helpful #2, found an Enterprise Rental in the area. After many phone calls with Enterprise, Steve, my step-father, Allstate, and Joe from the tow company, we found ourselves stranded in the Rite Aid parking lot for what we thought would be about 3 hours. We pulled over at 11; the van was gone at noon to be towed back to NH; and the rental would not be ready until 3 or 3:30.
So we hunkered down for the afternoon. All of our luggage for six of us for a week was piled onto a bench at the edge of the parking lot in front of the store. Of course, since we were packing in the 15 passenger van, everything got packed. Not sure if we needed heavy coats or just spring ones, pack them both, we have room. Which shoes? Pack both the black and the white ones, we have room. Everyone can take a pillow and a blanket for the ride. Yes, let's take 5 sleeping bags. We had packed food too so at least we could eat better than we could buy at Rite Aid. We also had books, electronics, and games. The manager of the store was, thankfully, kind and understanding. Thank God the little boys had stayed home.
At about 3:45, I called the Enterprise store. We were supposed to hear from them by 3. The brain surgeon, I mean, the manager who worked there said, "Oh, you are still there. You didn't go anywhere?" Where, exactly, were we supposed to go? Our van was gone. This was not a foot friendly town. There were no stores or restaurants we could see from where we were. Where did he think we were going to go?
Anyway, he said the car wasn't back yet so he would call me back in a few minutes after he called someone. When he called back, a little more than a few minutes later, he made another brilliant statement. Now, mind you, he knew we were six people and that we were stranded on a trip to TN. He said, "My driver is coming to get you. He can only take four of you but he can drop you off and get the other two after. (and here is the good part) You will have to watch for him because, I am just being honest, he won't see you." WHAT? I was doing ok up until this point, keeping a good attitude and all. Not see us? We were six people with a weeks worth of luggage outside a Rite Aid. Is he blind? How would anyone not see us? Calm, Helen. Breathe. Unfortunately, the distress giggles took over. In trying to relay this information to the kids, I could not stop giggling which made most of the kids giggle. Poor #6 crawled under the bench. She was done. Again, thank God the little boys had stayed home.
Well, the driver showed up. Turns out it was Mr. Brain Surgeon, the manager, who had the problem. Our driver was a very pleasant older gentleman who Mr. Brain Surgeon treated very poorly. (More on that in a minute.) Four of us piled into the car with as much of our stuff as we could get in. I left the two oldest with the rest of our stuff. No lie - the driver drove the car around the back of the Rite Aid, across the next parking lot, two car lengths down the road to the stop light and then, turned across the road into the parking lot of the Enterprise. That is where I lost it. The tears actually welled up, but I kept them from rolling down the cheeks. At this point we had been stranded for 5 hours --across the street. We could have been inside at Enterprise. We were wind burned, sun burned, our electronics were out of power. On top of all of that, there was a big snowstorm headed across the upper part of the country that we now had to worry about outrunning. Seriously, across the *&%^ street. Mr. Brain Surgeon claimed he was new to this store and didn't realize the Rite Aid was that close. Who is blind now? If you stood at the door of the Enterprise office and looked up the hill to the right, there stood a huge red and white Rite Aid sign. You couldn't miss it if you stepped out the door. And then, Mr. Brain Surgeon was rude to our driver. Very rude; like eye-rolling, sigh rude. It was completely inappropriate. I wanted to tell him so but...Well, I didn't want to scar the younger kids and Mary and Michael were not there to stop me if I really let loose so I held it in.
We were given a car that was too small to get us in, which created a whole new world of emotion. Thankfully, a very nice lady brought back a larger vehicle that fit us all and we drove off. Unfortunately leaving behind a few things we had stored in a under trunk compartment in the too small vehicle. We will never see those again.

Oh, have I said yet, thank God, literally, that the little boys stayed home.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

I will try

It has been a long time between posts. So many things have been going on. I will try to write new entries at least once a week. I would really like this blog to be helpful, encouraging, and a consistent place for everyone to come for support. I would like to get a set of readers so I know I am not just wasting cyber space, if one can waste space in the cyber world.

So you understand

This post is for the adult children out there...

We want you to understand why we do some of the things we do. For example, why do we say one thing and do another?

There is a difference between hypocritical and wanting better for our children. Among the most common subjects where this pops up are smoking/drinking/drugs, premarital sex, raising children. Most often we want you to have a better life, an easier time of it, more joy, a lighter heart...we want to help you avoid the things we know to cause pain and suffering to you or to the people you love. We are not keeping you from having fun or correcting our mistakes through you, or whatever. Even if we are stuck in doing whatever it is we are advising you against, it is out of love for you.

When children are young we insist that they only cross the road at a cross walk, stop and look both ways before crossing and walk, don't't run. Do we? Not usually. We run across the road. Jaywalk. And usually only stop if the quick glance indicates it is necessary. Does that make us hypocrites? Maybe. But we do it to keep them safe, to teach them the important aspects of crossing a street, to allow them to develop the wisdom and experience it takes to make appropriate decisions about crossing the street when they are older and we are not there anymore. So too with those things more abstract than crossing the street.

We tell you not to smoke even if we did because we now know the dangers, the addiction, the health issues first hand. Even if we are still smoking because we are stuck in that addiction. We tell you not to do drugs even if 'everybody' did when we were that age because we watched it ruin our best friend's life, we carried our overdosed roommate to the emergency room in college, or we know someone in a mental institution from the damage drugs did to their brain. But there are lots of people who smoke or do drugs or have sex that are perfectly fine, you argue. Are they really fine? Have you ever asked about the regret in their hearts that they hide, or the sadness they live with everyday from missing the person they lost, or the ring they wear to remember the baby they chose to abort? Yes, there are people who don't appear to have suffered anything. Maybe they didn't. Maybe they can't or won't admit it even to themselves. Maybe someone else is suffering because of them.

We want to help you avoid some of that pain. We want you to completely enjoy your wedding night and every night after that because you have waited for the one person you can give your whole self to. We want you to avoid the chemotherapy for lung cancer. We want you to have a close relationship with children that you enjoy. You are going to make your own mistakes and we can not protect you from that. But we can try to protect you from the more serious, deadly mistakes that we know from experience rarely come without long term, harsh consequences. We want your mistakes to be less. There will be enough pain and suffering from things out of your control.

Remember this the next time you want to tell us that you know we did it when we were younger, or that we do it so why shouldn't you if you want to, or that we shouldn't be hypocrites. We do it out of love.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Guest lists

So Little Miss Grandbaby is getting baptized tomorrow. The planning of this event was, thankfully, not my responsibility. I helped of course. That is my job. I had nothing to do with the guest list, though. That was not my job. I did offer my services as listener when the guest list problems happened.

What is the protocol concerning guest lists for the next generation? Who from my guest lists are my adult children expected to include on their lists? I don't mean the Big guest list. I mean the more general list for smaller celebrations. And does the size of the immediately family make a difference?

Grandbaby has an interesting 'problem' when it comes to guest lists. She has 15 aunts and uncles. You add in their significant others and children, the grandparents, great-grandparents, and local great-aunts and uncles who are regularly involved in her life and you have quite the gathering. Any more and you have to start thinking about renting a hall. What about others? Should the next level of guest be expected to understand or to be invited?

When we have gatherings we invite all of the children's godparents. Some of the godparents are also family and one of the godfamilies include more than one godparent so we are not adding the whole 16 other people. All of these go on the Big list (that would be the wedding guest list, for clarification). Most of the women were also invited to the baby shower which was given by the grandmas and aunts, so not paid for by the young couple. When it comes to the baptism, which is paid for by the young couple with a new baby, are they expected to invite this layer of guests? #1 decided to invite her godparents and #1sil's godparents but had to draw the line there. That brings the number of guests to around 45. If I were on the not-invited list, would I understand? I hope so. Especially if I really was not involved in the new baby's life much. If #1 asked me for advice on whether or not to invite my guest list, what would I say?

I suppose I could say that they had to be invited. But I don't think I would. In fact, I didn't. I could say that they should be invited and I would help with the cost. I didn't say that either. I don't think it was my place. Our adult children need the right to create their own circle of support. They should be allowed to decide where to draw the line. They need to establish themselves and deal with the consequences. We need to uphold their decision. I am not going to apologize to anyone for my adult children's perceived etiquette blunder. If I had a problem with it, I would privately tell the kids and then support their ultimate decision. But that is just me. I don't necessarily think the idea of adding guests and covering the cost is a bad idea. Seems like a good compromise. After all, it wasn't the kids' who went and had huge families. It just isn't the way we chose to handle it. Would we have helped if asked? Absolutely. But we also respect their need to do this themselves in the way that works for them.

Of course, the situation did arise. Our #1 got some backlash for the guest list. She came to me with the decision they made. Did I agree? Doesn't matter. They made a decision based on sound reasons. It was not a bad, or wrong decision. My job was support.

Now I have to go make sandwiches for my granddaughter's baptism party.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

What is an adult?

So my beautiful #2 and I had a meal together the other day. We were discussing things pertaining to being an adult - what that looked like, what it meant. It got me thinking. What does it mean to be an adult? How do you know you are there? I assume I am an adult. After all, I have a grandchild and a mortgage and gray hair. That makes me an adult, right? Hmm, sounds like a research project to me. Is there a definition or some criteria, some check-off list to let us know when we have achieved adulthood?

According to the dictionary, an adult is a person who is fully grown or developed or of age and a person who had attained the age of maturity as specified by law. Not terribly helpful. Wikipedia, the font of all knowledge, separates the definition biologically and legally. Biologically, an adult is a human who has reached sexual maturity. Holy mackerel, that could mean my 13 year old. I choose to throw out that definition for the purpose of this discussion. Legally, an adult is a person "who has attained the age of majority and is therefore regarded as independent, self-sufficient, and responsible". I know a large number of people who have reached the age of majority who can barely be considered self-sufficient and definitely not responsible.

With further investigation I came across the 20 Defining Characteristics of a True Adult from Marc at Angel Hack Life. Cool, a check-off list! Oh, um, it doesn't say anything about grandchildren or mortgages or gray hair. (If I knew how to copy and paste a web address on my tablet I would pass it on but, alas, this skill eludes me.) This list talks about 'continuously striving for self-improvement', and 'maintains patience and flexibility on a daily basis' (Daily? Seriously?). Ooo, ooo! Love this one. '8. Understands that no skill or talent can overshadow the act of preparation.' Ha! This person obviously is defining adulthood in some country other than the US. I wonder how many you have to check off to qualify as an adult. Oh, well, did I mention the grandchild? The list actually ends with a very good paragraph that just might serve our purposes.

Above all, true adults do what they have to do when it is required of them, and they do what they want when they can. They are able to distinguish
between the two and manage their time and efforts accordingly.

I also found a silly checklist at happyplace.com. And from HelloGiggles.com there is an amusing 'Top Ten Signs You're an Adult'. Yup, checked off all ten of those! Thetakeaway.org had people finish a statement. I would like to share a few of my favorites.

You know you're an adult when...
     -you realize your parents aren't as old as you thought.
     -friends start lending you their apartment and not the couch.
     -you are paying rent...and it's not to your parents.
     -my parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday and all I could thing of was a self-defrosting refrigerator.
     -I got my first bill to pay back my student loan and realized how much debt I was already in.
     -my son was born.
     -you accept responsibility for your mistakes.

So where does that put us? What is an adult? What does it mean to start your adult life? I think I am going with the quote from Angle Hack Life. It seems to sum up all the other stuff. It is a simple truth that can be passed on to our children. It describes my life. There are definitely 'adults' out there who, by this definition, do not qualify as true adults but they can feel free to use any one of the other criteria. We spend a lot of our children's time teaching them that some things are more important than others and some things have to be done before they can play. I guess they are adults when they take these lessons to heart.

I don't think this will solve Mary's problem but hopefully it helps. Love you, Darling.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Recognizing Adulthood

I worked in youth ministry for 10 years. But I left at least as many years ago to concentrate on my own children. All the kids I had in youth ministry are adults now. I think all of them are older now than I was when I began in youth ministry. They have jobs, educations-some of them PhDs, children-one of them has twins, and houses. And yet I still think of them as kids sometimes. I meet and work with people who are the same ages as those youth group kids are and have no problem thinking of them as adults. The same happens when it comes to my own adult children. It is a weird thing our human brains do. A few blogs ago I talked about finding the adults in our adult children. It is proving almost harder to recognize the adults in all of those kids I watched grow up. Why is that?

I suppose it could have something to do with not getting older myself. If I am not old enough to have an adult child how can my child be an adult? "I don't remember getting older when did they." (So how many of you know that song so well that you just sang that sentence? I sang it as I typed it.) Maybe I just can't trust that we actually gave them everything they needed to be adults. Maybe I can't remember being that young. More likely I saw myself as older at that age than they seem - which of course is a delusion on my part. Maybe I thought I would be at a different place at this age. Have you noticed that when you were younger "old" people seemed more, I don't know, together? Or older? Or smarter? Or established? Or something. Now that I am "old" I don't know many people my age that seem as whatever as the "old" people did when I was younger. Old doesn't seem as old.

One of my problems is that I got married and started having babies right out of college. Today, couples are not even getting married until the age that I already had 3 or 4 or 5 kids. Then there are those who are getting married out of highschool and starting families. I wasn't even having a real life by then. I recently started working with a really nice young man who is a businessman. He knows some of the same people I do. He is a member of the Rotary Club. Just got engaged. Without him, I would not be as comfortable in my new role as cantor. He is an adult. I am old enough to be his mother, without stretching it. I don't feel parently toward him. Well, maybe a little. And yes, I just made up the word 'parently'.

So what can I learn from this? What sage wisdom can I pass on?

Age is relative. Age is all wibbly, wobbly, timey, whimey. You are only as old as you feel but everybody around you is as old as they are. Some people are wise beyond their years and some will just never be wise. Age is a linear construct imposed on a non-linear function for the sake of convenience. Ok, now I am just making stuff up.

I got no real wisdomy things to say. Check back later. Maybe I will have something then. Or at least have a few more made up words.

Oh, by the way, the song is "Sunrise, sunset" from Fiddler on the Roof. In rehearsals as we speak at the Newport Opera House.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Church ministries

When the children were small we all went to church as a family. Hubbie and I would decide what Mass we were going to and then get everyone up and dressed, etc. It was very important to me to worship as a family. Having come from a Protestant faith where there is one worship time, the idea of not going to church together never really occurred to me. Now, you will find a Robertson at each of the Sunday Masses and sometimes one at the Saturday Mass. What happened?

God happened.

Steve and I started splitting Masses when we encountered child #6. Whoo, she was a handful! (Still is) We managed five other infants and toddlers at Mass but this one was something else. Not only would she be disruptive to excess, she would cause the next older two to be at somewhat less than their potential. At some point, Steve was reading about St. Therese. When she was 4 she was not allowed to go to Mass because she couldn't behave. We figured if it worked on her maybe it would work on #6.

Around that same time our oldest decided she wanted to sing in the choir. Choir rehearsal for the Mass we usually went to was a Tuesday night. It wasn't something we could manage at the time, but rehearsal for the 10 am Mass was just before Mass. She really wanted to do this. Were we supposed to say no? If this is what God was calling her to do, if this was to be her ministry, who were we to deny it? Then #2 started reading at daily Mass and was soon on the schedule for weekend Masses...not of course at the same Mass where #1 sang. Then #3 and #4 took up altar serving. #3 preferred the same Mass as #1. Cool. But #4 went to the noon Mass with our exchange student, which was not either of the Masses that #1, #2, or #3 went to. Are you confused yet? Since we have all three Sunday Masses covered, I will skip the next two kids and when or how they came to choose a Mass.

The point is, they all found a place in the Church that was right for them. They use their talents for others. God put them in these places for a reason, we have to assume, so we have to respect that and nurture it. Otherwise, we are not fulfilling what God is asking of us as parents, as the temporary guardian of these precious individuals. I had to change my limited idea of what worshipping as a family meant. We were hearing the same readings, listening to the same homily, and receiving the One Body of Christ. So we just weren't sitting next to each other when we did. I got the gift of watching my children grow in their faith and service to others. It is a good exchange.

This all happened when the children were younger. What does this have to do with parenting our adult children?

We have to trust that we have taught them to listen to and trust the call from God in their lives. We have to not only let them follow that call, but encourage it even if it is not the path we want them to take. Obviously, we don't want them or let them do something dangerous or immoral. I don't think God is going to call any of our adult girls to be strippers or our adult boys to be serial killers - that is kinda where the trust comes in. But what if God calls our adult girls to the single life and we want grandchildren? Or what if He calls our boys to be fathers and we want priests? He wants a doctor and we want a lawyer. He wants a theater major and we want a nursing major.

I had a friend in high school. He was a gifted musician with a beautiful voice. He wanted to go to college to be a music teacher. His father said he would not pay unless my friend studied some other thing, I don't remember what, so that he could work with his father in 'the' business. Well, my friend studied whatever it was, got a job with dad, dad died, the business sold. My friend is now an undertaker. Maybe that is where God wanted him. But was it the path God wanted? Or did my friend's father force his own path on his son?

We have to help them believe and trust in God's call for them. We have to trust in God's call to us as parents. He loaned them to us in trust. Let's give them back to Him in trust.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Dying to self

It takes a long time to understand what 'dying to self' means in the various roles of our lives. In the broad sense we die-to-self in charity work or volunteer opportunities. As mothers, I think it is more natural, sort of built into the job. Being pregnant, you know, the whole sharing of your body with another person thing, kinda sets the stage. As wives, I think it is harder. I certainly have not perfected it. Sometimes I feel like I have died to self and been so replaced by what everyone else needs or wants that not only can't I find any pieces of myself but I forget what those pieces might even look like. Sometimes, especially when I am lying in bed at night not sleeping because it is the 15th time I have been woken up and trying to sleep is useless, I resent all of it. Not the big life choices, not giving up career or a masters degree, but everyday small things. I don't eat my favorite supper because no one else really likes it and I am too busy making sure everyone else gets their favorite once in a while. I don't even remember what my favorite supper is. I don't watch the shows I want unless I am alone which is almost never. I don't drive a car I want, I don't go places I would like to, I can't relax the way I would like, I don't listen to the music I want, I don't hang out with the people I would like to. Heck, I don't hang out with anybody. Who am I kidding? I take care of everything so everyone else can do what they need to do, or take care of who or what they need to take care of. No one is there to take care of me.

And then I wise up and tell myself to get over it.

These are real feelings, though. They need to be dealt with in order to maintain. And in order to teach our children how to deal, how to die to self the right way.

If you are looking here for advice on how to handle this issue, I got nothin'. Sorry.

I am pretty sure prozac and alcohol are not the answer. I think women tried that in the 50's and it wasn't really successful. Adult children who recognize that look are good. They sometimes put me someplace and give me large glasses of soda with lots of ice and shoo the younger kids away for an afternoon. That helps. Although, I don't recommend the soda very often. My nutritionist uses nasty words like 'self medicating', and 'stress eating'. I think chocolate fits that category too. Any of that comfort food, actually. She keeps trying to get me to admit it isn't really a comfort. She obviously doesn't do it right.

What do I do? Wait for it to blow over. Have a good self-pitying cry. Eat a creme horn because no one else likes them. Be cranky for the day. -Nothing I would recommend to anyone else...except the cry. That is relatively harmless and often helpful.

What am I going to do to help my adult children, especially the girls, with this? Make sure I am here to take care of them and give them their favorite supper once in a while for no other reason than I love them.

I would welcome advice on either question.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

This whole grandparent thing

Here is a major stressor on the relationship with our adult children...grand parenting. My oldest daughter is trained in early childhood education, well read, conscientious, an all around well informed mother. She is a good mom. We actually do quite well in this department but it can be difficult. In earlier posts I talked about letting our adult children teach us things and I try to practice what I preach but, man, oh man, some days.

My 'baby' is only six. It hasn't been that long since I had an infant. In fact, I had babies for 16 years - a whole lot longer than I have been without one. I got eight of them to at least their sixth birthday and one all the way to her twenty-first birthday successfully. I have more ECE credits than #1 and I have a bachelors degree in biology. And yet, it would appear I am uneducated in the 'new' way we care for babies. My mom has been known to say, "Well, you lived through it, didn't you?" I was never going to say anything like that but, my goodness, it is unbelievable that we actually managed to have children that got to be adults with all the things we did wrong.

In all fairness, my daughter and son-in-law are really good about 'correcting' us. They both are well aware and respectful of the fact that between their two moms there are 17 children that are mostly healthy and happy. They both willingly seek our advice and make decisions based on research and reasoned intuition. They are also not opposed to gentle suggestions from either mom. We are lucky.

But for crying out loud, seriously?!?! We weren't even put in car seats and now the new recommendation is rear-facing until age two? I know. Safety, research, better understanding of stuff...blah, blah.

So, how do we as parents of adult children respond to our adult children being parents?

My daughter has a facebook group of moms who's babies were all due in the same month. They consult each other, share stories, encourage each other and vent. She brings me stories sometimes. One of the moms can not leave the baby with grandma because grandma will do whatever she wants and won't respect any of mom's requests. She overfeeds baby to the point of tummy trouble, in particular. Another grandma won't respect mom's desire to exclusively nurse until 6 months and wants to give baby cereal mixed in the formula. Some grandmas that I know have declared that they already raised their children so they are done. Don't even ask them to babysit. Then again, I know plenty of grandmas and grandpas who are raising the babies because the parents can't for whatever reason. There are parents who for good reason refuse to leave babies with grandparents and parents who have no valid reason but still won't leave babies with grandparents. Then there are those parents who take advantage and expect grandparents to be on-call, when-ever-we-want child care.

I have often thought that they had it right all those years ago when generations lived together. Great-grandma, aunts, grandma helped mom with baby. They taught mom to breastfeed. They divided chores like cooking and cleaning and caring for other children so mom could recover and bond with baby. Older children learned how to care for little ones and how to live in a family. They learned to respect and value their elders. Insert the sound of the needle scratching across a record...Wait, that was the Walton's. I wonder if that really happened in real life?

Again, let's take care of our own emotional garbage before we think about our adult children. Just because we are not up on today's recommendations in child care does not mean we don't know anything. We knew what we knew then. Things change. It isn't our job to do the research or consult the doctor or read the books this time. It is theirs. Let them do it and then help them follow through. Next year there will be new recommendations. Does that mean parents this year are doing it wrong? Of course not. They are doing the best they can with the information they have just as we were. Respect their desire to do so.

Did we do our best? If the answer to that is yes, congratulation. You can and should be proud of your accomplishments. Now go help your adult children by humbly letting them do their best. If the answer to that is no, do something about it. Take care of your own guilt and don't transfer it onto them. Encourage them, help them, let them be their best. Let them help you be the best grandparent you can be.

When they ask for help or advice, give it to them nicely. When we see them struggling, gently ask if they would like some suggestions. Do not imply they don't know what they are doing. After all, we just discussed the whole doing the best with what we have. They probably weren't trying to imply you don't know what you are doing. I often try to avoid the 'I' and fall back on the 'we'. "When we were having babies, we used to (insert advice)." I find there is less danger of sounding anything but concerned for their struggle.

Don't be afraid of speaking up about safety concerns. Again, gently. Fall back on that 'we'. Something like, "Can I ask? When you were a baby, we (insert recommendation then) for (insert safety concern). What is done now?" It takes thought, especially if we are not accustomed to being humble and not in control. The results in terms of our relationship with them and their confidence and comfort with us is worth the effort.

I love being a Nana. I actually am glad that finding out the new stuff is not my responsibility. Who has time? I am busy finding out the new stuff about parenting my own. That grand baby, I just get to love and kiss on her.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Holidays, aarrgggh!

Phew! My house is back to relative normality. Most of the Christmas decorations are down and packed back in the attic. Most of the gifts are put away. My stress level is, well, let's not go there. So how were your holidays? How were the in-laws/boyfriend's parents/girlfriend's mother?

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. The smells, the family, the games, the lack of gift-pressure. My favorite part of my favorite holiday is the preparation. We always went to my grandmothers' houses for holidays. They both did all the cooking. When I was a senior in high school, my maternal grandmother had a relapse of breast cancer that metastasized. That Thanksgiving I went straight to her house after school on Wednesday and got a crash course in cooking Thanksgiving dinner. She gave me instruction from her bed; I went to the kitchen, performed the prescribed task and took it to the bedroom for critique. It was the closest we ever were and I treasure it. My grandmother only made it to February but she had given me a great gift. I soon came to realize that Thanksgiving was now at my house because my gram didn't teach my mom how to do this.

I love being in the kitchen on the day before Thanksgiving with my children. Everyone has their specialty; Liz makes the pumpkin pie, Mary does cranberry bread; #5 cuts the cranberries and raisins and just this year learned to do the mock cherry pie; I make stuffing and supervise. The rest of the tasks are split up with the boys doing a good bit of cutting and chopping. I love the whole process. We talk. We laugh. We sing. Sometimes we complain. We have gotten good and efficient. When everything is done, I am a little sad but quite renewed. From the time the first one started helping, I have said, "I don't care if you spend other holidays with your other families when you are married but Thanksgiving is mine." What happened when that was tested?

The whole thing actually worked well. The mother-in-law doesn't really do Thanksgiving. She is into Christmas Eve. We discussed it one day in the Shaws parking lot. I must admit that the first Christmas Eve without my baby girl was a little rough. Tradition was modified and everyone was happy. Now we are working around my dad's new wife's family....that could be a whole other blog!

My sister is not so lucky. The boyfriend of her oldest, my only niece, does not join in family things with them. Her daughter, however, is often off spending holiday time with his family. My sister finds it upsetting. She too is struggling with this whole adult child thing. (Her daughter commutes to school from home.) What is she to do, though? She has to be the understanding mom and let her adult daughter make her own choices, right? It still sucks.

Now, a young couple I know has had that awful struggle. His parents are pretty good about sharing but have certain things they would really like to see happen. Her mother is controlling and demanding as expects them to comply with all past traditions in her house. That really doesn't work. The couple is their own family now. They have a baby and need to think about establishing some of their own traditions as well as incorporating both families'. It has been hard on them and difficult to give advice. I feel bad for them. Her mother is giving parents of adult children a bad name.

How do you (or how will you) handle holidays and your adult children? Do you demand that they follow your traditions and fit the other family in around you? Do you help them develop their own traditions that include you and the other family? Will you make requests and offer concessions? How did your parents and in-laws handle it? What was good and bad about that and what can you learn from it?

This problem is hard enough for our adult children without us making it worse. If you want to maintain your relationship with your adult children, help to make this an easier transition. Think about it before it is imminent if you can. Work through your own feelings about holiday traditions before you accidentally take them out on our unsuspecting adult children. You have until Easter.