Guest lists

So Little Miss Grandbaby is getting baptized tomorrow. The planning of this event was, thankfully, not my responsibility. I helped of course. That is my job. I had nothing to do with the guest list, though. That was not my job. I did offer my services as listener when the guest list problems happened.

What is the protocol concerning guest lists for the next generation? Who from my guest lists are my adult children expected to include on their lists? I don't mean the Big guest list. I mean the more general list for smaller celebrations. And does the size of the immediately family make a difference?

Grandbaby has an interesting 'problem' when it comes to guest lists. She has 15 aunts and uncles. You add in their significant others and children, the grandparents, great-grandparents, and local great-aunts and uncles who are regularly involved in her life and you have quite the gathering. Any more and you have to start thinking about renting a hall. What about others? Should the next level of guest be expected to understand or to be invited?

When we have gatherings we invite all of the children's godparents. Some of the godparents are also family and one of the godfamilies include more than one godparent so we are not adding the whole 16 other people. All of these go on the Big list (that would be the wedding guest list, for clarification). Most of the women were also invited to the baby shower which was given by the grandmas and aunts, so not paid for by the young couple. When it comes to the baptism, which is paid for by the young couple with a new baby, are they expected to invite this layer of guests?  #1 decided to invite her godparents and #1sil's godparents but had to draw the line there. That brings the number of guests to around 45. If I were on the not-invited list, would I understand? I hope so. Especially if I really was not involved in the new baby's life much. If #1 asked me for advice on whether or not to invite my guest list, what would I say?

I suppose I could say that they had to be invited. But I don't think I would.  In fact, I didn't. I could say that they should be invited and I would help with the cost. I didn't say that either. I don't think it was my place. Our adult children need the right to create their own circle of support. They should be allowed to decide where to draw the line. They need to establish themselves and deal with the consequences. We need to uphold their decision.  I am not going to apologize to anyone for my adult children's perceived etiquette blunder. If I had a problem with it, I would privately tell the kids and then support their ultimate decision. But that is just me. I don't necessarily think the idea of adding guests and covering the cost is a bad idea. Seems like a good compromise. After all, it wasn't the kids' who went and had huge families. It just isn't the way we chose to handle it.  Would we have helped if asked? Absolutely. But we also respect their need to do this themselves in the way that works for them.

Of course, the situation did arise. Our #1 got some backlash for the guest list. She came to me with the decision they made. Did I agree? Doesn't matter. They made a decision based on sound reasons. It was not a bad, or wrong decision. My job was support.

Now I have to go make sandwiches for my granddaughter's baptism party.

What is an adult?

So my beautiful #2 and I had a meal together the other day. We were discussing things pertaining to being an adult - what that looked like, what it meant. It got me thinking.  What does it mean to be an adult? How do you know you are there? I assume I am an adult. After all, I have a grandchild and a mortgage and gray hair. That makes me an adult, right? Hmm, sounds like a research project to me.  Is there a definition or some criteria, some check-off list to let us know when we have achieved adulthood? 

According to the dictionary, an adult is a person who is fully grown or developed or of age and a person who had attained the age of maturity as specified by law.  Not terribly helpful.  Wikipedia, the font of all knowledge, separates the definition biologically and legally.  Biologically, an adult is a human who has reached sexual maturity.  Holy mackerel, that could mean my 13 year old.  I choose to throw out that definition for the purpose of this discussion.  Legally, an adult is a person "who has attained the age of majority and is therefore regarded as independent, self-sufficient, and responsible".  I know a large number of people who have reached the age of majority who can barely be considered self-sufficient and definitely not responsible.

With further investigation I came across the 20 Defining Characteristics of a True Adult from Marc at Angel Hack Life.  Cool, a check-off list!  Oh, um, it doesn't say anything about grandchildren or mortgages or gray hair.  (If I knew how to copy and paste a web address on my tablet I would pass it on but, alas, this skill eludes me.)  This list talks about 'continuously striving for self-improvement', and 'maintains patience and flexibility on a daily basis' (Daily? Seriously?).  Ooo, ooo! Love this one.  '8.  Understands that no skill or talent can overshadow the act of preparation.'  Ha!  This person obviously is defining adulthood in some country other than the US.  I wonder how many you have to check off to qualify as an adult.  Oh, well, did I mention the grandchild?  The list actually ends with a very good paragraph that just might serve our purposes.

      Above all, true adults do what they have to do when it is required of them, and they do what they want when they can.  They are able to distinguish
      between the two and manage their time and efforts accordingly.

I also found a silly checklist at happyplace.com. And from HelloGiggles.com there is an amusing 'Top Ten Signs You're an Adult'.  Yup, checked off all ten of those!  Thetakeaway.org had people finish a statement.  I would like to share a few of my favorites.

You know you're an adult when...
     -you realize your parents aren't as old as you thought.
     -friends start lending you their apartment and not the couch.
     -you are paying rent...and it's not to your parents.
     -my parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday and all I could thing of was a self-defrosting refrigerator.
     -I got my first bill to pay back my student loan and realized how much debt I was already in.
     -my son was born.
     -you accept responsibility for your mistakes.

So where does that put us?  What is an adult?  What does it mean to start your adult life?  I think I am going with the quote from Angle Hack Life.  It seems to sum up all the other stuff.  It is a simple truth that can be passed on to our children.  It describes my life.  There are definitely 'adults' out there who, by this definition, do not qualify as true adults but they can feel free to use any one of the other criteria.  We spend a lot of our children's time teaching them that some things are more important than others and some things have to be done before they can play.  I guess they are adults when they take these lessons to heart. 

I don't think this will solve Mary's problem but hopefully it helps.  Love you, Darling.

Recognizing Adulthood

I worked in youth ministry for 10 years. But I left at least as many years ago to concentrate on my own children. All the kids I had in youth ministry are adults now.  I think all of them are older now than I was when I began in youth ministry. They have jobs, educations-some of them PhDs, children-one of them has twins, and houses.  And yet I still think of them as kids sometimes.  I meet and work with people who are the same ages as those youth group kids are and have no problem thinking of them as adults.  The same happens when it comes to my own adult children.  It is a weird thing our human brains do.  A few blogs ago I talked about finding the adults in our adult children. It is proving almost harder to recognize the adults in all of those kids I watched grow up. Why is that? 

I suppose it could have something to do with not getting older myself.  If I am not old enough to have an adult child how can my child be an adult?  "I don't remember getting older when did they." (So how many of you know that song so well that you just sang that sentence? I sang it as I typed it.) Maybe I just can't trust that we actually gave them everything they needed to be adults. Maybe I can't remember being that young.  More likely I saw myself as older at that age than they seem - which of course is a delusion on my part. Maybe I thought I would be at a different place at this age.  Have you noticed that when you were younger "old" people seemed more, I don't know, together? Or older? Or smarter? Or established? Or something. Now that I am "old" I don't know many people my age that seem as whatever as the "old" people did when I was younger. Old doesn't seem as old.

One of my problems is that I got married and started having babies right out of college.  Today, couples are not even getting married until the age that I already had 3 or 4 or 5 kids. Then there are those who are getting married out of highschool and starting families. I wasn't even having a real life by then. I recently started working with a really nice young man who is a businessman. He knows some of the same people I do. He is a member of the Rotary Club. Just got engaged. Without him, I would not be as comfortable in my new role as cantor. He is an adult. I am old enough to be his mother, without stretching it. I don't feel parently toward him. Well, maybe a little. And yes, I just made up the word 'parently'.

So what can I learn from this?  What sage wisdom can I pass on?

Age is relative. Age is all wibbly, wobbly, timey, whimey. You are only as old as you feel but everybody around you is as old as they are. Some people are wise beyond their years and some will just never be wise. Age is a linear construct imposed on a non-linear function for the sake of convenience. Ok, now I am just making stuff up.

I got no real wisdomy things to say. Check back later. Maybe I will have something then. Or at least have a few more made up words.

Oh, by the way, the song is "Sunrise, sunset" from Fiddler on the Roof. In rehearsals as we speak at the Newport Opera House.