I am so blessed to be the mother of these children. We have had a wonderful summer. Last night we experienced what will probably be our last summer adventure for this year. We went moonlight paddling on Gunnison Lake (aka The Goshen Ocean, but I like it there and it deserves its real name). The moonlight shone on the trees making it look like a beautiful silver-gray frost had covered the area. Two canoes and three kayaks played on the water. We laughed and made funny echoes and maybe splashed each other a little. The water was much warmer than the air. Patrick disappeared into the dark shadows of the trees and then used stealth mode to come up behind us all.
Being the third boat out, I had the opportunity to stand at the top of the levy looking and listening. The moonlight, the shadows, the echoing laughter, the camaraderie, the love brought tears to my eyes. I have great kids!
Earlier in the day the granddaughter joined on an expedition to Concord to get field hockey equipment. Her mama was feeling under the weather (no, she is not pregnant. I asked.) so we offered to take the munchkin while mama slept. The excitement of the aunties filled me. There was no hesitation in helping their sister plus the bonus of the niece!! The love and joy among all of them including the granddaughter, again, near tears. Now maybe I need to check those menopausal hormones, but I am going with great kids.
Maybe it is the losses.
My nephew got his license yesterday. I am quite proud of him, by the way. He was so excited and happy and in amazement that he had only had his license for a couple of hours and he had already driven here and there and there and here... We are very happy for him. And I might be a little sad. Once that license comes the separation starts.
The almost tears were happy, grateful tears with maybe a little sad mixed in. I know there will be many more times in our lives when the kids are all together, but I am already noticing the missing people. My two big girls have moved on. They are still close, Mary lives here, for goodness sake. But they have their own lives, as it should be. My boy is close to being a real grown up. He is on 4H Teen Council this year. I am anticipating that he will mature in that roll as the older two did. I will have many moments to be proud...and a little bit sad as this will be his last Teen Conference. Even Patrick started that college preparation language. My #5 little girl is taller than her sisters and about to start all those teen things that will take her away from me, the Big E, Teen Conference, South Church Canoe Trip, hanging out with my dad, his wife, and her family. All great things and I am glad she is ready for them but...it means she is on the way out too.
There are all kinds of cliches here; enjoy the moment, stop and smell the roses, etc., etc. But really, this moment will never come again. As my children get older and, mainly, as they move on, I understand this cliche. I feel it in my heart. Thank God for this moment, because it will never come again. Other moments will come, but this one, if you miss it, is gone.
I suppose I should be looking forward to 'having my life back'. Some things are easier now. Traveling is a piece of cake compared to traveling with babies and toddlers and diapers and potty breaks and car seats and and and. Phew! I don't feel like I don't have my life. My fabulous husband and my wonderful older kids are great about making sure I can do things I want. It makes everyone's lives better if Mama is happy. And to keep Mama happy, it is important for Mama to do grown up woman things. But...my life has never been more full and comfortable than since that first baby. This is my life. I don't want the old one back. I love this one.
I do look forward to what comes sometimes. But those losses pop up again. There are already holidays without everyone. Will it come to a time when Steve and I celebrate a quiet Christmas morning with just the two of us? I can't even, I don't,..Let's not even...
Anyway, moving on.
As parents of adult children, the losses are a part of life now. It stinks. And yet, there are good points. I will try to savor every moment so if that Christmas morning comes we can sip hot cocoa with all the marshmallows the cup will hold and reminisce about that time I took the kids moonlight paddling and I couldn't back the trailer up so we had to take it off , turn the van around, and hitch the trailer back up.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Body image
So what did I learn today about parenting adult children?
Um, I don't know.
Maybe we will look at body image. My oldest asked me the other day how to teach good body image. I asked her if she felt good about her body, if she had a good body image. We had a discussion about it. I have no idea how to accomplish such a thing. I guess we didn't get it horribly wrong because the girls seem to be relatively well adjusted in that area. 'Don't be a chauvinist. What about the boys?' you say. I have no idea. Do boys care? Hang on and I will ask them...They said they are good and some boys probably do worry about it but they really don't. So I guess we did ok with the boys too?
I shall tell you a story. Not to make you feel bad for me but to illustrate how we can influence how our children feel about themselves. Take from it what you will.
When I was little I was tiny until I was 4. Somewhere between 3 and 4 I ballooned to something like the 95th percentile in weight with no corresponding jump in height. During elementary school my grandparents would tell my sister not to have another glass of milk because she would end up looking like me. My cousin and his friend called me Helen the big fat watermelon. Junior high brought being removed from class once a week to be weighed with the intent of helping us fat kids get not fat. By high school, one day while working as a cashier at the local grocery store, an older lady, one of my grandma's friends, coming through my line stopped me, took my hand, and while patting it said, "You would be such a beautiful girl if you weren't so big." So by graduation, I knew the regular stuff that one learns in school as well as the fact that I was smart and I better play on that because I certainly wasn't getting anywhere on looks. I was not pretty because I was fat.
Actually, I was relatively ok with that. I was smart. I dressed nicely because it was appropriate and I had to make the most of that first impression since I was not pretty. I had quite few really close male friends. I was safe because girlfriends didn't find me a threat. They came and went but I stayed so that was cool. Then along came Steve. He was cute, and nice, and didn't seem to notice that I wasn't pretty.
Fast forward to our wedding day. Now when Steve looked at me as I came down the aisle, I felt beautiful! Even though I knew I wasn't, I felt it. Skip next to the day after Liz was born. Steve walked into our hospital room and from the look on his face I knew he saw a beautiful person, but not a physically beautiful person.
Again, don't feel bad for me. I was mostly ok with this. I was well aware that I had good qualities. Physical beauty was not one of them. Feel bad for my hubby. No matter how many times he told me that I was beautiful or how he told me, I did not believe him. I believed he thought it was true but I knew it wasn't because I had 18, 25, 40 years of evidence that proved otherwise.
Fast forward again to now. Recently, someone from high school posted some throw-back pictures. I noticed that there were several other girls in my class that were just as heavy as I was. Why was I singled out as the fat girl? Then just a week or so ago, a cousin posted another throw-back picture of us cousins. I noticed that I really was not huge like I had always believed or been told. Could it be that maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought? Could I be pretty, maybe just a little? I do have great hair, but that is a far cry from beauty. Then I caught a glimpse of someone in the mirror who was a little pretty...and it was me. Stupid, right? Then I came down stairs just a couple of days ago and Liz told me that the outfit I had on was 'super cute'. When Steve got here he said I looked nice. What? Maybe I could be pretty even though I was overweight? Mind you, by this time in my life I am definitely overweight. But maybe loosing weight would not be useless in the beauty department? Pretty in spite of heavy?
Probably, by now you are all starting a fund to get me a therapist. What did this story have to do with anything? Oh, yeah, we were talking about body image. Like I said, take from it what you will.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Vacation
Aahhhh, vacation. No cell service, no rules, and pants are not required.
Ha,ha, I guess that last part might need a little explanation...one can hang out in a bathing suit all day, one need not put pants on.
Ok, there aren't exactly no rules. Common sense and safety are still a must but other things kind of go by the wayside. Like running down a hill, you can do that at camp. The 'hill' is grass and ends at the lake, running is almost mandatory. And yes, it is acceptable to crawl through the window on the porch. Oh, and, just one more s'more...definitely ok on vacation.
I am really enjoying vacation with bigger kids. Admit it, moms don't usually get 'vacation' on vacation. Someone still has to cook and clean up and change diapers, and help with swim clothes, and, and, and. Now that the youngest is six, almost 7, vacation is so much more vacationy. This year, I have not done dishes more than once a day and have only cooked one of three meals a day. Everyone can get his or her own clothes changed....as a matter of fact, everyone packed his or her own clothes! The older kids take on duties like packing the kayaking necessities and getting together the dog's stuff. I trained them well.
I think that is the key. I try to take the time to teach them, to involve them in the details of what needs to happen. Sometimes it meant taking more time than if I just did it myself but the benefits are worth it. Right now for example, Mary is starting the fire for marshmallows; #6 is doing supper dishes. In a little while I will be brought as many s'mores as I want. I won't even have to get up from my chair. It may have been a lot of work then and still some now (I do have a few more to get to 'older' status), but it is oh so worth it now.
Do I feel guilty for 'making' them do 'all' the work? Please. Really? No. Not in the least. And again, no.
First, I don't make them do all the work. We try to make sure the kids get vacation too. I don't actually ask them to do any of it. Well, ok, I insist everyone helps pack and unpack and I don't provide maid service. But otherwise, they help because they are good kids. Because we raised them to be good kids. We teach them the value of manners and respect. We try to give them good examples of appropriate behavior and we try to point out when behavior could be improved. Is it easy? Nope, not usually. But what worth it is.
I feel like I have an advantage most people don't. Because I have eight kids ranging in age from 21 to 6, I get to see the benefits of my 'work' while I am still working. I get to watch my olders practice what we taught them while I am still working on the youngers. I can see where things were good and weed out what may not have helped. I can evaluate and make changes in real time! Sometimes that doesn't go over well with my older kids. To bad, so sad! Just kidding...If they ask I will explain the reasoning and they can learn from that too, if they want...but not while we are on vacation.
Sorry, gotta go. My peanut butter cup s'more is on the way up the hill.
Ha,ha, I guess that last part might need a little explanation...one can hang out in a bathing suit all day, one need not put pants on.
Ok, there aren't exactly no rules. Common sense and safety are still a must but other things kind of go by the wayside. Like running down a hill, you can do that at camp. The 'hill' is grass and ends at the lake, running is almost mandatory. And yes, it is acceptable to crawl through the window on the porch. Oh, and, just one more s'more...definitely ok on vacation.
I am really enjoying vacation with bigger kids. Admit it, moms don't usually get 'vacation' on vacation. Someone still has to cook and clean up and change diapers, and help with swim clothes, and, and, and. Now that the youngest is six, almost 7, vacation is so much more vacationy. This year, I have not done dishes more than once a day and have only cooked one of three meals a day. Everyone can get his or her own clothes changed....as a matter of fact, everyone packed his or her own clothes! The older kids take on duties like packing the kayaking necessities and getting together the dog's stuff. I trained them well.
I think that is the key. I try to take the time to teach them, to involve them in the details of what needs to happen. Sometimes it meant taking more time than if I just did it myself but the benefits are worth it. Right now for example, Mary is starting the fire for marshmallows; #6 is doing supper dishes. In a little while I will be brought as many s'mores as I want. I won't even have to get up from my chair. It may have been a lot of work then and still some now (I do have a few more to get to 'older' status), but it is oh so worth it now.
Do I feel guilty for 'making' them do 'all' the work? Please. Really? No. Not in the least. And again, no.
First, I don't make them do all the work. We try to make sure the kids get vacation too. I don't actually ask them to do any of it. Well, ok, I insist everyone helps pack and unpack and I don't provide maid service. But otherwise, they help because they are good kids. Because we raised them to be good kids. We teach them the value of manners and respect. We try to give them good examples of appropriate behavior and we try to point out when behavior could be improved. Is it easy? Nope, not usually. But what worth it is.
I feel like I have an advantage most people don't. Because I have eight kids ranging in age from 21 to 6, I get to see the benefits of my 'work' while I am still working. I get to watch my olders practice what we taught them while I am still working on the youngers. I can see where things were good and weed out what may not have helped. I can evaluate and make changes in real time! Sometimes that doesn't go over well with my older kids. To bad, so sad! Just kidding...If they ask I will explain the reasoning and they can learn from that too, if they want...but not while we are on vacation.
Sorry, gotta go. My peanut butter cup s'more is on the way up the hill.
So late but worth the read
Well, I guess I failed at not letting too much time pass between posts. Life can so easily get out of control and before you know it lots of time has been lost. Thankfully, not all of that time was wasted. We had a Lent that was full of suffering. But our Easter was...ok, our 8 year old, #7, got bit by a dog and we spent part of Easter Day at the ER and then chatting with two very nice policemen in our living room. Did you know ERs have to report dog bites? Anyway, other than that it was a good day.
We took an emergency trip to Tennessee during Lent. My husband's mother was taken to the hospital and once there for a day or so, the doctors said that family should be called. My husband flew out the next morning. By God's grace, his mom waited until he got there. He went in, spoke to her and held her hand. He then went into the hall to talk with his dad and brother. About 15 minutes later, she died.
The kids and I left the next morning, a Tuesday. It was decided that the little boys would stay with their oldest sister. She was not ready to make the 24 hour trip with the baby. (And actually, neither were we. Been there, done that...not a good time.) So we packed on Monday night, got up at a reasonable time and off we went. Like the well trained women that we are, Mary and I had called our mechanic and explained the situation - we were headed to TN from NH and Dad was already gone so could they check over the 15 passenger van before we left. The van got its travel papers. Mary and I gave each other gold stars for thinking ahead to actually take care of that whole thing. And we went...I said that already.
Anyway, it turned into a very nice morning for travel. About three hours from home it was getting warm so we kicked on the AC to cool off the van just a little. Next thing we know, the heat is pouring out and the temperature gauge is way in the red zone. We pulled into the parking lot of a Rite Aid in Latham, NY. I called Steve. I really don't know what I expected him to do from nearly 1200 miles away. And yet, he did what he always does...restored me to non-panic, take-care-of-the-situation mode. While I called Allstate Roadside Assistance, Mary, my beautifully helpful #2, found an Enterprise Rental in the area. After many phone calls with Enterprise, Steve, my step-father, Allstate, and Joe from the tow company, we found ourselves stranded in the Rite Aid parking lot for what we thought would be about 3 hours. We pulled over at 11; the van was gone at noon to be towed back to NH; and the rental would not be ready until 3 or 3:30.
So we hunkered down for the afternoon. All of our luggage for six of us for a week was piled onto a bench at the edge of the parking lot in front of the store. Of course, since we were packing in the 15 passenger van, everything got packed. Not sure if we needed heavy coats or just spring ones, pack them both, we have room. Which shoes? Pack both the black and the white ones, we have room. Everyone can take a pillow and a blanket for the ride. Yes, let's take 5 sleeping bags. We had packed food too so at least we could eat better than we could buy at Rite Aid. We also had books, electronics, and games. The manager of the store was, thankfully, kind and understanding. Thank God the little boys had stayed home.
At about 3:45, I called the Enterprise store. We were supposed to hear from them by 3. The brain surgeon, I mean, the manager who worked there said, "Oh, you are still there. You didn't go anywhere?" Where, exactly, were we supposed to go? Our van was gone. This was not a foot friendly town. There were no stores or restaurants we could see from where we were. Where did he think we were going to go?
Anyway, he said the car wasn't back yet so he would call me back in a few minutes after he called someone. When he called back, a little more than a few minutes later, he made another brilliant statement. Now, mind you, he knew we were six people and that we were stranded on a trip to TN. He said, "My driver is coming to get you. He can only take four of you but he can drop you off and get the other two after. (and here is the good part) You will have to watch for him because, I am just being honest, he won't see you." WHAT? I was doing ok up until this point, keeping a good attitude and all. Not see us? We were six people with a weeks worth of luggage outside a Rite Aid. Is he blind? How would anyone not see us? Calm, Helen. Breathe. Unfortunately, the distress giggles took over. In trying to relay this information to the kids, I could not stop giggling which made most of the kids giggle. Poor #6 crawled under the bench. She was done. Again, thank God the little boys had stayed home.
Well, the driver showed up. Turns out it was Mr. Brain Surgeon, the manager, who had the problem. Our driver was a very pleasant older gentleman who Mr. Brain Surgeon treated very poorly. (More on that in a minute.) Four of us piled into the car with as much of our stuff as we could get in. I left the two oldest with the rest of our stuff. No lie - the driver drove the car around the back of the Rite Aid, across the next parking lot, two car lengths down the road to the stop light and then, turned across the road into the parking lot of the Enterprise. That is where I lost it. The tears actually welled up, but I kept them from rolling down the cheeks. At this point we had been stranded for 5 hours --across the street. We could have been inside at Enterprise. We were wind burned, sun burned, our electronics were out of power. On top of all of that, there was a big snowstorm headed across the upper part of the country that we now had to worry about outrunning. Seriously, across the *&%^ street. Mr. Brain Surgeon claimed he was new to this store and didn't realize the Rite Aid was that close. Who is blind now? If you stood at the door of the Enterprise office and looked up the hill to the right, there stood a huge red and white Rite Aid sign. You couldn't miss it if you stepped out the door. And then, Mr. Brain Surgeon was rude to our driver. Very rude; like eye-rolling, sigh rude. It was completely inappropriate. I wanted to tell him so but...Well, I didn't want to scar the younger kids and Mary and Michael were not there to stop me if I really let loose so I held it in.
We were given a car that was too small to get us in, which created a whole new world of emotion. Thankfully, a very nice lady brought back a larger vehicle that fit us all and we drove off. Unfortunately leaving behind a few things we had stored in a under trunk compartment in the too small vehicle. We will never see those again.
Oh, have I said yet, thank God, literally, that the little boys stayed home.
We took an emergency trip to Tennessee during Lent. My husband's mother was taken to the hospital and once there for a day or so, the doctors said that family should be called. My husband flew out the next morning. By God's grace, his mom waited until he got there. He went in, spoke to her and held her hand. He then went into the hall to talk with his dad and brother. About 15 minutes later, she died.
The kids and I left the next morning, a Tuesday. It was decided that the little boys would stay with their oldest sister. She was not ready to make the 24 hour trip with the baby. (And actually, neither were we. Been there, done that...not a good time.) So we packed on Monday night, got up at a reasonable time and off we went. Like the well trained women that we are, Mary and I had called our mechanic and explained the situation - we were headed to TN from NH and Dad was already gone so could they check over the 15 passenger van before we left. The van got its travel papers. Mary and I gave each other gold stars for thinking ahead to actually take care of that whole thing. And we went...I said that already.
Anyway, it turned into a very nice morning for travel. About three hours from home it was getting warm so we kicked on the AC to cool off the van just a little. Next thing we know, the heat is pouring out and the temperature gauge is way in the red zone. We pulled into the parking lot of a Rite Aid in Latham, NY. I called Steve. I really don't know what I expected him to do from nearly 1200 miles away. And yet, he did what he always does...restored me to non-panic, take-care-of-the-situation mode. While I called Allstate Roadside Assistance, Mary, my beautifully helpful #2, found an Enterprise Rental in the area. After many phone calls with Enterprise, Steve, my step-father, Allstate, and Joe from the tow company, we found ourselves stranded in the Rite Aid parking lot for what we thought would be about 3 hours. We pulled over at 11; the van was gone at noon to be towed back to NH; and the rental would not be ready until 3 or 3:30.
So we hunkered down for the afternoon. All of our luggage for six of us for a week was piled onto a bench at the edge of the parking lot in front of the store. Of course, since we were packing in the 15 passenger van, everything got packed. Not sure if we needed heavy coats or just spring ones, pack them both, we have room. Which shoes? Pack both the black and the white ones, we have room. Everyone can take a pillow and a blanket for the ride. Yes, let's take 5 sleeping bags. We had packed food too so at least we could eat better than we could buy at Rite Aid. We also had books, electronics, and games. The manager of the store was, thankfully, kind and understanding. Thank God the little boys had stayed home.
At about 3:45, I called the Enterprise store. We were supposed to hear from them by 3. The brain surgeon, I mean, the manager who worked there said, "Oh, you are still there. You didn't go anywhere?" Where, exactly, were we supposed to go? Our van was gone. This was not a foot friendly town. There were no stores or restaurants we could see from where we were. Where did he think we were going to go?
Anyway, he said the car wasn't back yet so he would call me back in a few minutes after he called someone. When he called back, a little more than a few minutes later, he made another brilliant statement. Now, mind you, he knew we were six people and that we were stranded on a trip to TN. He said, "My driver is coming to get you. He can only take four of you but he can drop you off and get the other two after. (and here is the good part) You will have to watch for him because, I am just being honest, he won't see you." WHAT? I was doing ok up until this point, keeping a good attitude and all. Not see us? We were six people with a weeks worth of luggage outside a Rite Aid. Is he blind? How would anyone not see us? Calm, Helen. Breathe. Unfortunately, the distress giggles took over. In trying to relay this information to the kids, I could not stop giggling which made most of the kids giggle. Poor #6 crawled under the bench. She was done. Again, thank God the little boys had stayed home.
Well, the driver showed up. Turns out it was Mr. Brain Surgeon, the manager, who had the problem. Our driver was a very pleasant older gentleman who Mr. Brain Surgeon treated very poorly. (More on that in a minute.) Four of us piled into the car with as much of our stuff as we could get in. I left the two oldest with the rest of our stuff. No lie - the driver drove the car around the back of the Rite Aid, across the next parking lot, two car lengths down the road to the stop light and then, turned across the road into the parking lot of the Enterprise. That is where I lost it. The tears actually welled up, but I kept them from rolling down the cheeks. At this point we had been stranded for 5 hours --across the street. We could have been inside at Enterprise. We were wind burned, sun burned, our electronics were out of power. On top of all of that, there was a big snowstorm headed across the upper part of the country that we now had to worry about outrunning. Seriously, across the *&%^ street. Mr. Brain Surgeon claimed he was new to this store and didn't realize the Rite Aid was that close. Who is blind now? If you stood at the door of the Enterprise office and looked up the hill to the right, there stood a huge red and white Rite Aid sign. You couldn't miss it if you stepped out the door. And then, Mr. Brain Surgeon was rude to our driver. Very rude; like eye-rolling, sigh rude. It was completely inappropriate. I wanted to tell him so but...Well, I didn't want to scar the younger kids and Mary and Michael were not there to stop me if I really let loose so I held it in.
We were given a car that was too small to get us in, which created a whole new world of emotion. Thankfully, a very nice lady brought back a larger vehicle that fit us all and we drove off. Unfortunately leaving behind a few things we had stored in a under trunk compartment in the too small vehicle. We will never see those again.
Oh, have I said yet, thank God, literally, that the little boys stayed home.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
I will try
It has been a long time between posts. So many things have been going on. I will try to write new entries at least once a week. I would really like this blog to be helpful, encouraging, and a consistent place for everyone to come for support. I would like to get a set of readers so I know I am not just wasting cyber space, if one can waste space in the cyber world.
So you understand
This post is for the adult children out there...
We want you to understand why we do some of the things we do. For example, why do we say one thing and do another?
There is a difference between hypocritical and wanting better for our children. Among the most common subjects where this pops up are smoking/drinking/drugs, premarital sex, raising children. Most often we want you to have a better life, an easier time of it, more joy, a lighter heart...we want to help you avoid the things we know to cause pain and suffering to you or to the people you love. We are not keeping you from having fun or correcting our mistakes through you, or whatever. Even if we are stuck in doing whatever it is we are advising you against, it is out of love for you.
When children are young we insist that they only cross the road at a cross walk, stop and look both ways before crossing and walk, don't't run. Do we? Not usually. We run across the road. Jaywalk. And usually only stop if the quick glance indicates it is necessary. Does that make us hypocrites? Maybe. But we do it to keep them safe, to teach them the important aspects of crossing a street, to allow them to develop the wisdom and experience it takes to make appropriate decisions about crossing the street when they are older and we are not there anymore. So too with those things more abstract than crossing the street.
We tell you not to smoke even if we did because we now know the dangers, the addiction, the health issues first hand. Even if we are still smoking because we are stuck in that addiction. We tell you not to do drugs even if 'everybody' did when we were that age because we watched it ruin our best friend's life, we carried our overdosed roommate to the emergency room in college, or we know someone in a mental institution from the damage drugs did to their brain. But there are lots of people who smoke or do drugs or have sex that are perfectly fine, you argue. Are they really fine? Have you ever asked about the regret in their hearts that they hide, or the sadness they live with everyday from missing the person they lost, or the ring they wear to remember the baby they chose to abort? Yes, there are people who don't appear to have suffered anything. Maybe they didn't. Maybe they can't or won't admit it even to themselves. Maybe someone else is suffering because of them.
We want to help you avoid some of that pain. We want you to completely enjoy your wedding night and every night after that because you have waited for the one person you can give your whole self to. We want you to avoid the chemotherapy for lung cancer. We want you to have a close relationship with children that you enjoy. You are going to make your own mistakes and we can not protect you from that. But we can try to protect you from the more serious, deadly mistakes that we know from experience rarely come without long term, harsh consequences. We want your mistakes to be less. There will be enough pain and suffering from things out of your control.
Remember this the next time you want to tell us that you know we did it when we were younger, or that we do it so why shouldn't you if you want to, or that we shouldn't be hypocrites. We do it out of love.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Guest lists
So Little Miss Grandbaby is getting baptized tomorrow. The planning of this event was, thankfully, not my responsibility. I helped of course. That is my job. I had nothing to do with the guest list, though. That was not my job. I did offer my services as listener when the guest list problems happened.
What is the protocol concerning guest lists for the next generation? Who from my guest lists are my adult children expected to include on their lists? I don't mean the Big guest list. I mean the more general list for smaller celebrations. And does the size of the immediately family make a difference?
Grandbaby has an interesting 'problem' when it comes to guest lists. She has 15 aunts and uncles. You add in their significant others and children, the grandparents, great-grandparents, and local great-aunts and uncles who are regularly involved in her life and you have quite the gathering. Any more and you have to start thinking about renting a hall. What about others? Should the next level of guest be expected to understand or to be invited?
When we have gatherings we invite all of the children's godparents. Some of the godparents are also family and one of the godfamilies include more than one godparent so we are not adding the whole 16 other people. All of these go on the Big list (that would be the wedding guest list, for clarification). Most of the women were also invited to the baby shower which was given by the grandmas and aunts, so not paid for by the young couple. When it comes to the baptism, which is paid for by the young couple with a new baby, are they expected to invite this layer of guests? #1 decided to invite her godparents and #1sil's godparents but had to draw the line there. That brings the number of guests to around 45. If I were on the not-invited list, would I understand? I hope so. Especially if I really was not involved in the new baby's life much. If #1 asked me for advice on whether or not to invite my guest list, what would I say?
I suppose I could say that they had to be invited. But I don't think I would. In fact, I didn't. I could say that they should be invited and I would help with the cost. I didn't say that either. I don't think it was my place. Our adult children need the right to create their own circle of support. They should be allowed to decide where to draw the line. They need to establish themselves and deal with the consequences. We need to uphold their decision. I am not going to apologize to anyone for my adult children's perceived etiquette blunder. If I had a problem with it, I would privately tell the kids and then support their ultimate decision. But that is just me. I don't necessarily think the idea of adding guests and covering the cost is a bad idea. Seems like a good compromise. After all, it wasn't the kids' who went and had huge families. It just isn't the way we chose to handle it. Would we have helped if asked? Absolutely. But we also respect their need to do this themselves in the way that works for them.
Of course, the situation did arise. Our #1 got some backlash for the guest list. She came to me with the decision they made. Did I agree? Doesn't matter. They made a decision based on sound reasons. It was not a bad, or wrong decision. My job was support.
Now I have to go make sandwiches for my granddaughter's baptism party.
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