I am so blessed to be the mother of these children. We have had a wonderful summer. Last night we experienced what will probably be our last summer adventure for this year. We went moonlight paddling on Gunnison Lake (aka The Goshen Ocean, but I like it there and it deserves its real name). The moonlight shone on the trees making it look like a beautiful silver-gray frost had covered the area. Two canoes and three kayaks played on the water. We laughed and made funny echoes and maybe splashed each other a little. The water was much warmer than the air. Patrick disappeared into the dark shadows of the trees and then used stealth mode to come up behind us all.
Being the third boat out, I had the opportunity to stand at the top of the levy looking and listening. The moonlight, the shadows, the echoing laughter, the camaraderie, the love brought tears to my eyes. I have great kids!
Earlier in the day the granddaughter joined on an expedition to Concord to get field hockey equipment. Her mama was feeling under the weather (no, she is not pregnant. I asked.) so we offered to take the munchkin while mama slept. The excitement of the aunties filled me. There was no hesitation in helping their sister plus the bonus of the niece!! The love and joy among all of them including the granddaughter, again, near tears. Now maybe I need to check those menopausal hormones, but I am going with great kids.
Maybe it is the losses.
My nephew got his license yesterday. I am quite proud of him, by the way. He was so excited and happy and in amazement that he had only had his license for a couple of hours and he had already driven here and there and there and here... We are very happy for him. And I might be a little sad. Once that license comes the separation starts.
The almost tears were happy, grateful tears with maybe a little sad mixed in. I know there will be many more times in our lives when the kids are all together, but I am already noticing the missing people. My two big girls have moved on. They are still close, Mary lives here, for goodness sake. But they have their own lives, as it should be. My boy is close to being a real grown up. He is on 4H Teen Council this year. I am anticipating that he will mature in that roll as the older two did. I will have many moments to be proud...and a little bit sad as this will be his last Teen Conference. Even Patrick started that college preparation language. My #5 little girl is taller than her sisters and about to start all those teen things that will take her away from me, the Big E, Teen Conference, South Church Canoe Trip, hanging out with my dad, his wife, and her family. All great things and I am glad she is ready for them but...it means she is on the way out too.
There are all kinds of cliches here; enjoy the moment, stop and smell the roses, etc., etc. But really, this moment will never come again. As my children get older and, mainly, as they move on, I understand this cliche. I feel it in my heart. Thank God for this moment, because it will never come again. Other moments will come, but this one, if you miss it, is gone.
I suppose I should be looking forward to 'having my life back'. Some things are easier now. Traveling is a piece of cake compared to traveling with babies and toddlers and diapers and potty breaks and car seats and and and. Phew! I don't feel like I don't have my life. My fabulous husband and my wonderful older kids are great about making sure I can do things I want. It makes everyone's lives better if Mama is happy. And to keep Mama happy, it is important for Mama to do grown up woman things. But...my life has never been more full and comfortable than since that first baby. This is my life. I don't want the old one back. I love this one.
I do look forward to what comes sometimes. But those losses pop up again. There are already holidays without everyone. Will it come to a time when Steve and I celebrate a quiet Christmas morning with just the two of us? I can't even, I don't,..Let's not even...
Anyway, moving on.
As parents of adult children, the losses are a part of life now. It stinks. And yet, there are good points. I will try to savor every moment so if that Christmas morning comes we can sip hot cocoa with all the marshmallows the cup will hold and reminisce about that time I took the kids moonlight paddling and I couldn't back the trailer up so we had to take it off , turn the van around, and hitch the trailer back up.
