Church ministries

When the children were small we all went to church as a family.  Hubbie and I would decide what Mass we were going to and then get everyone up and dressed, etc.  It was very important to me to worship as a family.  Having come from a Protestant faith where there is one worship time, the idea of not going to church together never really occurred to me.  Now, you will find a Robertson at each of the Sunday Masses and sometimes one at the Saturday Mass.  What happened?

God happened.

Steve and I started splitting Masses when we encountered child #6.  Whoo, she was a handful!  (Still is)  We managed five other infants and toddlers at Mass but this one was something else.  Not only would she be disruptive to excess, she would cause the next older two to be at somewhat less than their potential.  At some point, Steve was reading about St. Therese.  When she was 4 she was not allowed to go to Mass because she couldn't behave.  We figured if it worked on her maybe it would work on #6.

Around that same time our oldest decided she wanted to sing in the choir.  Choir rehearsal for the Mass we usually went to was a Tuesday night.  It wasn't something we could manage at the time, but rehearsal for the 10 am Mass was just before Mass.  She really wanted to do this.  Were we supposed to say no?  If this is what God was calling her to do, if this was to be her ministry, who were we to deny it?  Then #2 started reading at daily Mass and was soon on the schedule for weekend Masses...not of course at the same Mass where #1 sang.  Then #3 and #4 took up altar serving.  #3 preferred the same Mass as #1.  Cool.  But #4 went to the noon Mass with our exchange student, which was not either of the Masses that #1, #2, or #3 went to.  Are you confused yet?  Since we have all three Sunday Masses covered, I will skip the next two kids and when or how they came to choose a Mass.

The point is, they all found a place in the Church that was right for them.  They use their talents for others.  God put them in these places for a reason, we have to assume, so we have to respect that and nurture it.  Otherwise, we are not fulfilling what God is asking of us as parents, as the temporary guardian of these precious individuals.  I had to change my limited idea of what worshipping as a family meant.  We were hearing the same readings, listening to the same homily, and receiving the One Body of Christ.  So we just weren't sitting next to each other when we did.  I got the gift of watching my children grow in their faith and service to others.  It is a good exchange.

This all happened when the children were younger.  What does this have to do with parenting our adult children?

We have to trust that we have taught them to listen to and trust the call from God in their lives.  We have to not only let them follow that call, but encourage it even if it is not the path we want them to take.  Obviously, we don't want them or let them do something dangerous or immoral.  I don't think God is going to call any of our adult girls to be strippers or our adult boys to be serial killers - that is kinda where the trust comes in.  But what if God calls our adult girls to the single life and we want grandchildren?  Or what if He calls our boys to be fathers and we want priests?  He wants a doctor and we want a lawyer.  He wants a theater major and we want a nursing major.

I had a friend in high school.  He was a gifted musician with a beautiful voice.  He wanted to go to college to be a music teacher.  His father said he would not pay unless my friend studied some other thing, I don't remember what, so that he could work with his father in 'the' business.  Well, my friend studied whatever it was, got a job with dad, dad died, the business sold.  My friend is now an undertaker.  Maybe that is where God wanted him.  But was it the path God wanted? Or did my friend's father force his own path on his son?

We have to help them believe and trust in God's call for them.  We have to trust in God's call to us as parents.  He loaned them to us in trust.  Let's give them back to Him in trust.

Dying to self

It takes a long time to understand what 'dying to self' means in the various roles of our lives.  In the broad sense we die-to-self in charity work or volunteer opportunities.  As mothers, I think it is more natural, sort of built into the job.  Being pregnant, you know, the whole sharing of your body with another person thing, kinda sets the stage.  As wives, I think it is harder.  I certainly have not perfected it.  Sometimes I feel like I have died to self and been so replaced by what everyone else needs or wants that not only can't I find any pieces of myself  but I forget what those pieces might even look like.  Sometimes, especially when I am lying in bed at night not sleeping because it is the 15th time I have been woken up and trying to sleep is useless, I resent all of it.  Not the big life choices, not giving up career or a masters degree, but everyday small things.  I don't eat my favorite supper because no one else really likes it and I am too busy making sure everyone else gets their favorite once in a while.  I don't even remember what my favorite supper is.  I don't watch the shows I want unless I am alone which is almost never.  I don't drive a car I want, I don't go places I would like to, I can't relax the way I would like,  I don't listen to the music I want, I don't hang out with the people I would like to.  Heck, I don't hang out with anybody.  Who am I kidding?  I take care of everything so everyone else can do what they need to do, or take care of who or what they need to take care of.  No one is there to take care of me.

And then I wise up and tell myself to get over it.

These are real feelings, though.  They need to be dealt with in order to maintain.  And in order to teach our children how to deal, how to die to self the right way.

If you are looking here for advice on how to handle this issue, I got nothin'.  Sorry. 

I am pretty sure prozac and alcohol are not the answer.  I think women tried that in the 50's and it wasn't really successful.  Adult children who recognize that look are good.  They sometimes put me someplace and give me large glasses of soda with lots of ice and shoo the younger kids away for an afternoon.  That helps.  Although, I don't recommend the soda very often.  My nutritionist uses nasty words like 'self medicating', and 'stress eating'.  I think chocolate fits that category too.  Any of that comfort food, actually.  She keeps trying to get me to admit it isn't really a comfort.  She obviously doesn't do it right.

What do I do?  Wait for it to blow over.  Have a good self-pitying cry.  Eat a creme horn because no one else likes them.  Be cranky for the day.  -Nothing I would recommend to anyone else...except the cry.  That is relatively harmless and often helpful.

What am I going to do to help my adult children, especially the girls, with this?  Make sure I am here to take care of  them and give them their favorite supper once in a while for no other reason than I love them.

I would welcome advice on either question.

This whole grandparent thing

Here is a major stressor on the relationship with our adult children...grand parenting.  My oldest daughter is trained in early childhood education, well read, conscientious, an all around well informed mother.  She is a good mom.  We actually do quite well in this department but it can be difficult.  In earlier posts I talked about letting our adult children teach us things and I try to practice what I preach but, man, oh man, some days.

My 'baby' is only six.  It hasn't been that long since I had an infant.  In fact, I had babies for 16 years - a whole lot longer than I have been without one.  I got eight of them to at least their sixth birthday and one all the way to her twenty-first birthday successfully.  I have more ECE credits than #1 and I have a bachelors degree in biology.  And yet, it would appear I am uneducated in the 'new' way we care for babies.  My mom has been known to say, "Well, you lived through it, didn't you?"  I was never going to say anything like that but, my goodness, it is unbelievable that we actually managed to have children that got to be adults with all the things we did wrong. 

In all fairness, my daughter and son-in-law are really good about 'correcting' us.  They both are well aware and respectful of the fact that between their two moms there are 17 children that are mostly healthy and happy.  They both willingly seek our advice and make decisions based on research and reasoned intuition.  They are also not opposed to gentle suggestions from either mom.  We are lucky.

But for crying out loud, seriously?!?!  We weren't even put in car seats and now the new recommendation is rear-facing until age two?  I know.  Safety, research, better understanding of stuff...blah, blah.

So, how do we as parents of adult children respond to our adult children being parents?

My daughter has a facebook group of moms who's babies were all due in the same month.  They consult each other, share stories, encourage each other and vent.  She brings me stories sometimes.  One of the moms can not leave the baby with grandma because grandma will do whatever she wants and won't respect any of mom's requests.  She overfeeds baby to the point of tummy trouble, in particular.  Another grandma won't respect mom's desire to exclusively nurse until 6 months and wants to give baby cereal mixed in the formula.  Some grandmas that I know have declared that they already raised their children so they are done.  Don't even ask them to babysit.  Then again, I know plenty of grandmas and grandpas who are raising the babies because the parents can't for whatever reason.  There are parents who for good reason refuse to leave babies with grandparents and parents who have no valid reason but still won't leave babies with grandparents.  Then there are those parents who take advantage and expect grandparents to be on-call, when-ever-we-want child care. 

I have often thought that they had it right all those years ago when generations lived together.  Great-grandma, aunts, grandma helped mom with baby.  They taught mom to breastfeed.  They divided chores like cooking and cleaning and caring for other children so mom could recover and bond with baby.  Older children learned how to care for little ones and how to live in a family.  They learned to respect and value their elders.  Insert the sound of the needle scratching across a record...Wait, that was the Walton's.  I wonder if that really happened in real life?

Again, let's take care of our own emotional garbage before we think about our adult children.  Just because we are not up on today's recommendations in child care does not mean we don't know anything.  We knew what we knew then.  Things change.  It isn't our job to do the research or consult the doctor or read the books this time.  It is theirs.  Let them do it and then help them follow through.  Next year there will be new recommendations.  Does that mean parents this year are doing it wrong?  Of course not.  They are doing the best they can with the information they have just as we were.  Respect their desire to do so.

Did we do our best?  If the answer to that is yes, congratulation.  You can and should be proud of your accomplishments.  Now go help your adult children by humbly letting them do their best. If the answer to that is no, do something about it.  Take care of your own guilt and don't transfer it onto them.  Encourage them, help them, let them be their best. Let them help you be the best grandparent you can be. 

When they ask for help or advice, give it to them nicely.  When we see them struggling, gently ask if they would like some suggestions.  Do not imply they don't know what they are doing.  After all, we just discussed the whole doing the best with what we have.  They probably weren't trying to imply you don't know what you are doing.  I often try to avoid the 'I' and fall back on the 'we'.  "When we were having babies, we used to (insert advice)."  I find there is less danger of sounding anything but concerned for their struggle.

Don't be afraid of speaking up about safety concerns.  Again, gently.  Fall back on that 'we'.  Something like, "Can I ask?  When you were a baby, we (insert recommendation then) for (insert safety concern).  What is done now?"  It takes thought, especially if we are not accustomed to being humble and not in control.  The results in terms of our relationship with them and their confidence and comfort with us is worth the effort.

I love being a Nana.  I actually am glad that finding out the new stuff is not my responsibility.  Who has time?  I am busy finding out the new stuff about parenting my own.  That grand baby, I just get to love and kiss on her.

Holidays, aarrgggh!

Phew!  My house is back to relative normality.  Most of the Christmas decorations are down and packed back in the attic.  Most of the gifts are put away.  My stress level is, well, let's not go there.  So how were your holidays?  How were the in-laws/boyfriend's parents/girlfriend's mother?

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  The smells, the family, the games, the lack of gift-pressure.  My favorite part of my favorite holiday is the preparation.  We always went to my grandmothers' houses for holidays.  They both did all the cooking.  When I was a senior in high school, my maternal grandmother had a relapse of breast cancer that metastasized.   That Thanksgiving I went straight to her house after school on Wednesday and got a crash course in cooking Thanksgiving dinner.  She gave me instruction from her bed; I went to the kitchen, performed the prescribed task and took it to the bedroom for critique. It was the closest we ever were and I treasure it.  My grandmother only made it to February but she had given me a great gift.  I soon came to realize that Thanksgiving was now at my house because my gram didn't teach my mom how to do this.

I love being in the kitchen on the day before Thanksgiving with my children.  Everyone has their specialty;  Liz makes the pumpkin pie, Mary does cranberry bread;  #5 cuts the cranberries and raisins and just this year learned to do the mock cherry pie; I make stuffing and supervise.  The rest of the tasks are split up with the boys doing a good bit of cutting and chopping.  I love the whole process.  We talk.  We laugh.  We sing.  Sometimes we complain.  We have gotten good and efficient.  When everything is done, I am a little sad but quite renewed.  From the time the first one started helping, I have said, "I don't care if you spend other holidays with your other families when you are married but Thanksgiving is mine."  What happened when that was tested?

The whole thing actually worked well.  The mother-in-law doesn't really do Thanksgiving.  She is into Christmas Eve.  We discussed it one day in the Shaws parking lot.  I must admit that the first Christmas Eve without my baby girl was a little rough.  Tradition was modified and everyone was happy.  Now we are working around my dad's new wife's family....that could be a whole other blog!

My sister is not so lucky.  The boyfriend of her oldest, my only niece, does not join in family things with them.  Her daughter, however, is often off spending holiday time with his family.  My sister finds it upsetting.  She too is struggling with this whole adult child thing.  (Her daughter commutes to school from home.)  What is she to do, though?  She has to be the understanding mom and let her adult daughter make her own choices, right?  It still sucks.

Now, a young couple I know has had that awful struggle.  His parents are pretty good about sharing but have certain things they would really like to see happen.  Her mother is controlling and demanding as expects them to comply with all past traditions in her house.  That really doesn't work.  The couple is their own family now.  They have a baby and need to think about establishing some of their own traditions as well as incorporating both families'.  It has been hard on them and difficult to give advice.  I feel bad for them.  Her mother is giving parents of adult children a bad name.

How do you (or how will you) handle holidays and your adult children?  Do you demand that they follow your traditions and fit the other family in around you?  Do you help them develop their own traditions that include you and the other family?  Will you make requests and offer concessions?  How did your parents and in-laws handle it?  What was good and bad about that and what can you learn from it? 

This problem is hard enough for our adult children without us making it worse.  If you want to maintain your relationship with your adult children, help to make this an easier transition.  Think about it before it is imminent if you can.  Work through your own feelings about holiday traditions before you accidentally take them out on our unsuspecting adult children.  You have until Easter.