Here is a major stressor on the relationship with our adult children...grand parenting. My oldest daughter is trained in early childhood education, well read, conscientious, an all around well informed mother. She is a good mom. We actually do quite well in this department but it can be difficult. In earlier posts I talked about letting our adult children teach us things and I try to practice what I preach but, man, oh man, some days.
My 'baby' is only six. It hasn't been that long since I had an infant. In fact, I had babies for 16 years - a whole lot longer than I have been without one. I got eight of them to at least their sixth birthday and one all the way to her twenty-first birthday successfully. I have more ECE credits than #1 and I have a bachelors degree in biology. And yet, it would appear I am uneducated in the 'new' way we care for babies. My mom has been known to say, "Well, you lived through it, didn't you?" I was never going to say anything like that but, my goodness, it is unbelievable that we actually managed to have children that got to be adults with all the things we did wrong.
In all fairness, my daughter and son-in-law are really good about 'correcting' us. They both are well aware and respectful of the fact that between their two moms there are 17 children that are mostly healthy and happy. They both willingly seek our advice and make decisions based on research and reasoned intuition. They are also not opposed to gentle suggestions from either mom. We are lucky.
But for crying out loud, seriously?!?! We weren't even put in car seats and now the new recommendation is rear-facing until age two? I know. Safety, research, better understanding of stuff...blah, blah.
So, how do we as parents of adult children respond to our adult children being parents?
My daughter has a facebook group of moms who's babies were all due in the same month. They consult each other, share stories, encourage each other and vent. She brings me stories sometimes. One of the moms can not leave the baby with grandma because grandma will do whatever she wants and won't respect any of mom's requests. She overfeeds baby to the point of tummy trouble, in particular. Another grandma won't respect mom's desire to exclusively nurse until 6 months and wants to give baby cereal mixed in the formula. Some grandmas that I know have declared that they already raised their children so they are done. Don't even ask them to babysit. Then again, I know plenty of grandmas and grandpas who are raising the babies because the parents can't for whatever reason. There are parents who for good reason refuse to leave babies with grandparents and parents who have no valid reason but still won't leave babies with grandparents. Then there are those parents who take advantage and expect grandparents to be on-call, when-ever-we-want child care.
I have often thought that they had it right all those years ago when generations lived together. Great-grandma, aunts, grandma helped mom with baby. They taught mom to breastfeed. They divided chores like cooking and cleaning and caring for other children so mom could recover and bond with baby. Older children learned how to care for little ones and how to live in a family. They learned to respect and value their elders. Insert the sound of the needle scratching across a record...Wait, that was the Walton's. I wonder if that really happened in real life?
Again, let's take care of our own emotional garbage before we think about our adult children. Just because we are not up on today's recommendations in child care does not mean we don't know anything. We knew what we knew then. Things change. It isn't our job to do the research or consult the doctor or read the books this time. It is theirs. Let them do it and then help them follow through. Next year there will be new recommendations. Does that mean parents this year are doing it wrong? Of course not. They are doing the best they can with the information they have just as we were. Respect their desire to do so.
Did we do our best? If the answer to that is yes, congratulation. You can and should be proud of your accomplishments. Now go help your adult children by humbly letting them do their best. If the answer to that is no, do something about it. Take care of your own guilt and don't transfer it onto them. Encourage them, help them, let them be their best. Let them help you be the best grandparent you can be.
When they ask for help or advice, give it to them nicely. When we see them struggling, gently ask if they would like some suggestions. Do not imply they don't know what they are doing. After all, we just discussed the whole doing the best with what we have. They probably weren't trying to imply you don't know what you are doing. I often try to avoid the 'I' and fall back on the 'we'. "When we were having babies, we used to (insert advice)." I find there is less danger of sounding anything but concerned for their struggle.
Don't be afraid of speaking up about safety concerns. Again, gently. Fall back on that 'we'. Something like, "Can I ask? When you were a baby, we (insert recommendation then) for (insert safety concern). What is done now?" It takes thought, especially if we are not accustomed to being humble and not in control. The results in terms of our relationship with them and their confidence and comfort with us is worth the effort.
I love being a Nana. I actually am glad that finding out the new stuff is not my responsibility. Who has time? I am busy finding out the new stuff about parenting my own. That grand baby, I just get to love and kiss on her.
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