Phew! My house is back to relative normality. Most of the Christmas decorations are down and packed back in the attic. Most of the gifts are put away. My stress level is, well, let's not go there. So how were your holidays? How were the in-laws/boyfriend's parents/girlfriend's mother?
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. The smells, the family, the games, the lack of gift-pressure. My favorite part of my favorite holiday is the preparation. We always went to my grandmothers' houses for holidays. They both did all the cooking. When I was a senior in high school, my maternal grandmother had a relapse of breast cancer that metastasized. That Thanksgiving I went straight to her house after school on Wednesday and got a crash course in cooking Thanksgiving dinner. She gave me instruction from her bed; I went to the kitchen, performed the prescribed task and took it to the bedroom for critique. It was the closest we ever were and I treasure it. My grandmother only made it to February but she had given me a great gift. I soon came to realize that Thanksgiving was now at my house because my gram didn't teach my mom how to do this.
I love being in the kitchen on the day before Thanksgiving with my children. Everyone has their specialty; Liz makes the pumpkin pie, Mary does cranberry bread; #5 cuts the cranberries and raisins and just this year learned to do the mock cherry pie; I make stuffing and supervise. The rest of the tasks are split up with the boys doing a good bit of cutting and chopping. I love the whole process. We talk. We laugh. We sing. Sometimes we complain. We have gotten good and efficient. When everything is done, I am a little sad but quite renewed. From the time the first one started helping, I have said, "I don't care if you spend other holidays with your other families when you are married but Thanksgiving is mine." What happened when that was tested?
The whole thing actually worked well. The mother-in-law doesn't really do Thanksgiving. She is into Christmas Eve. We discussed it one day in the Shaws parking lot. I must admit that the first Christmas Eve without my baby girl was a little rough. Tradition was modified and everyone was happy. Now we are working around my dad's new wife's family....that could be a whole other blog!
My sister is not so lucky. The boyfriend of her oldest, my only niece, does not join in family things with them. Her daughter, however, is often off spending holiday time with his family. My sister finds it upsetting. She too is struggling with this whole adult child thing. (Her daughter commutes to school from home.) What is she to do, though? She has to be the understanding mom and let her adult daughter make her own choices, right? It still sucks.
Now, a young couple I know has had that awful struggle. His parents are pretty good about sharing but have certain things they would really like to see happen. Her mother is controlling and demanding as expects them to comply with all past traditions in her house. That really doesn't work. The couple is their own family now. They have a baby and need to think about establishing some of their own traditions as well as incorporating both families'. It has been hard on them and difficult to give advice. I feel bad for them. Her mother is giving parents of adult children a bad name.
How do you (or how will you) handle holidays and your adult children? Do you demand that they follow your traditions and fit the other family in around you? Do you help them develop their own traditions that include you and the other family? Will you make requests and offer concessions? How did your parents and in-laws handle it? What was good and bad about that and what can you learn from it?
This problem is hard enough for our adult children without us making it worse. If you want to maintain your relationship with your adult children, help to make this an easier transition. Think about it before it is imminent if you can. Work through your own feelings about holiday traditions before you accidentally take them out on our unsuspecting adult children. You have until Easter.
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