Scooby-Doo, Where are you?

In high school our children have curfews, sort of.  We have more of a situational curfew.  There is an agreed upon time for them to be home relevant to what they are doing and who they are with.  We expect a call if either of those conditions change.  When #1 moved out obviously we no longer monitored her whereabouts.  That took a little adjusting but I managed.  Mostly I chose to not think.  I just didn't go there.  It became easy actually, out of site out of mind kinda thing.

Now the one who still lives here is a different story.  She should not need to tell us everyplace she goes and everyone she sees because she is an adult, right?  Then again, it is only common courtesy to let the people you live with know that you won't be around.  We tell the kids when we are leaving and when we will be back.  In college, my roommate and I told each other when we were going to be out and about when we would be back.  What is reasonable?  What will allow me to sleep?  There has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.

Yesterday afternoon, #2 when to the movies with her friends.  I know these two friends well.  They are great girls.  I have no concerns about what they are doing or anything like that.  However, the last time she went out with these two she failed to tell us the whole plan and I woke up in the early hours of the am to find her car at home when she was supposed to have been housesitting.  I wracked my brain trying to remember if this was the time we were supposed to have let the dogs out for her?  Did her housesitting end and I forgot?  Did I know she was staying here last night?  Did her father know and not tell me again?  So I waited until a reasonable time in the morning and I went into her room to ask her about it.  There was no one in her room.  Where was she?  Why was her car here?  Did she get back safely from her day with the girls?  Whose car had they taken...I didn't pay attention?  Why is she not answering her cell?  About this time, the other children were getting up so we pieced together the bits of information we all had and figured out that they had taken another car and were all staying at the house together.  I lit into her when she got home.  There were a few bits of information that really should have been passed on.

Several years ago, we had a friend living with us.  She was on the young side and it didn't end well.  One of the problems was that she would leave and not be back for a day or more and never let us know.  I worried constantly.  We asked her to just let us know when she wasn't going to come home.  That seemed like a reasonable request, not terribly invasive, but more of, again, a common courtesy.  One night, shortly after midnight, we received a call that didn't come through very well.  The person said where they were and something...we blew it off and laid back down.  All of a sudden, I bolted up in bed realizing that it was our friend's cell number.  As my sleepy brain started putting the information in order, we figured out that she had been in an accident.  We called her back but didn't get an answer so we called the local police and I pulled on sweats and jumped in the car.  I spent the rest of that night in the ER and then in the local police station waiting to bring her home.  I do not want to ever do that again.  Especially not with one of my children.  We didn't even know the girls was coming home that night.  If we hadn't put together the information, who knows what could have happened.

We are still working out how much our adult children living in the house have to tell us about their whereabouts.  That movie yesterday, I realized at around midnight that I had gone to bed early, she wasn't home when I went to bed, and I didn't know where she was or when she was intending to be home.  Fortunately, her daddy had to be up until after 11.  When he came to bed, he would have asked me about her if she hadn't been home...right?  Sometimes he doesn't notice things.  Damn!  Should have had more info on this one.  I wish I could see the driveway from my bedroom.

Let them teach you something

So that last post was a tear jerker!  Let's take something lighter this time. 

I was thinking the other day-always a dangerous endeavor.   How do I transition from Mom, the mother, into Mom, the co-adult?  Ok, honestly, it is dumb to think I will ever stop being Mom, the mother.  Revise...how do I add Mom, the co-adult, to Mom, the mother?  How do I acknowledge their movement into adulthood in actions, not just words?  We all know that actions speak louder than words.  My adult children have skills that I did not teach them.  I have no idea where those skills were acquired but they are there and some of them are impressive...Skills I wish I had...Oh, a thought is forming...Could I ask them to teach me?  As an adult myself and a homeschool mother, I have learned to admit that I don't know everything.  Trust me, it was a painful lesson.  God gave me ample situations in which to practice humility.  Now, not only do I have to admit I don't know but I have to admit that they have this skill.  And then, I have to admit that they have enough skill to teach it to me.  And then, I have to actually ask them to teach me.  And then, I have to be a good student.  And then, I am going to need a nap!

Technology is the easiest place for me to practice the above scenario.  I am not a complete technology dummy but I am not proficient.   My cell phone drives me nuts.  Usually I hand it to #5 and say, "Fix it."  Once in a while I manage a, "Could you please do this for me?"    Hmmm, psychologically, she gets some self-confidence and satisfaction from knowing that she has a skill that I don't.  How much more can I give her if I ask her to teach me her skill?   How much can I give my adult children by asking them to teach me their skill?  How much closer can I get myself to the virtue of humility?  How much can I improve my relationship with my adult children if I acknowledge their skills and ask them to teach me?

This parenting of adult children looks to be a lot of work on my part!

The oldest six of my children sew.  Some of them enjoy it, some don't.  Some of them have mad skills.  My two oldest girls surpassed my ability four or so years ago.  I freely admitted it.  I didn't have a choice, really, because I couldn't help them with the patterns.  I found someone to help them and they progressed well beyond me.  Last year at 4H sewing project time, one of the moms asked #2 to help her girls because they were past her skill.  I saw the pride in #2 from this simple request from someone she knew and respected.  And I saw how easy it was for this mom to ask.  Hmmm, could I learn something from this?  I had a pattern that needed resizing.  Could I ask #2 to help me, to teach me even?  Oh, yeah, I could do it.  After all it is my job as mother as well as my privilege as co-adult.  Stuff my pride!  I can teach them that mothers are people too.

Sometimes those smarty pants adult kids force the issue.  I was having problems with some irritating thing on the computer.  I asked #1 to do it for me.  That brat said, "No, but I will teach you how to so you can do it yourself next time."  Brat!  Where does she think she learned that?  From me!  Unfortunately, she was right.  Did I say 'brat'?

I actually enjoy the interactions we have when I ask them to teach me things.  I enjoy watching their ability to teach.  I enjoy the closeness, the one-on-one time with them.  I love the confidence it gives them in their skills.  I am impressed by their ability to demonstrate without making me feel like an idiot.  And I am happy to teach them that adults can learn and can ask for help when they need it.  Plus, I get a new skill out of the deal.  Are there skills that your adult children can teach you?  Are there skills that you can admit that your adult children can teach you?  Give them this gift.  The rewards are worth the lesson in humility.

Our Issues

So I have this unfortunate, sneaking suspicion that in order to effectively parent our adult children we may have to at least recognize our own issues.  We probably should have done this some time ago to effectively parent our children when they were still children.  The nice thing about our children when they are young is that they are not quite as smart or experienced as they are when they are adults.  We could get away with a lot more.

Last summer, my daughter's father aka my husband (he is her father when he does something I don't like ;p) allowed our daughter, in fact, actually helped our daughter, buy a motorcycle.  I was not really good with this.  After all, motorcycles are dangerous and fast and...dangerous.  And people who ride motorcycles, well, I think we all know about them.

Anyone who has known me for a while knows how absolutely ridiculous the above statement is.  In college, my husband's main mode of transportation was a motorcycle.  He worked in a motorcycle shop in Boston that later moved just outside of Boston to Everett.  I worked in the same shop as a service writer.  We rode together.  We both had leather jackets.  We even had matching helmets.  Whatever stereotypes were so not true.  Some very nice, kind, intelligent, normal, careful people ride motorcycles. What was my problem with #2 having a motorcycle?

#2 confronted me one day.  She asked why I was so against her having the bike.  I did not realize that my opposition had bothered her in such a way.  And I had to admit the issue was mine.  She is a responsible driver.  She is level headed.  She has an awesome leather jacket.  The problem was me.  It was my issue.  As her mother, I needed to be opposed; I was supposed to be opposed; It was responsible to be opposed.  It was senseless to be opposed.  It made way more sense to get on board with this, to keep those lines of communication open, to help where needed, to support her, to get over myself.

What other issues might I have that are interfering with my adult children's wing-spreading?  What are your issues?

Some of our issues are valid concerns that our children may not agree with but are not really 'issues' on our part.  For some people, the motorcycle could fall into this category.  Things like wearing seatbelts or excessive drinking or smoking fit here.  I have an issue with excessive drinking.  However, this is a valid concern that is rightly passed on to my children.

Some of our issues are our own choices that those kids just have to live with.  I have an issue with the boys running around without shirts on.  My issue.  On this occasion, too bad.  At my house, the boys wear their shirts.  Will this issue affect my boys later in life?  It will.  It has.  Again, too bad.  It just means they wear shirts when others perhaps don't.  This issue will not hurt them or damage their relationships or otherwise make them socially unacceptable.  And as adults, they can choose not to wear their shirts...just not at my house!  I fully admit this is my rule and is valid in my mind whether they agree or not and I tell them this.  They all know why I don't like it and that it is their choice to agree or not...as long as they are wearing a shirt at my house.  The last post on obedience ending with emancipation does not apply here!  I make my father put a shirt on at my house.

Some of our issues are our own.  I have a problem with validation.  I want to be validated.  I want to please people and have them tell me that I did.  I get upset when I can not seem to do anything to make a person happy.  For example,  there isn't anything that I cook that my husband really likes.  Everything is 'fine' or 'fine but not my favorite'.  I am a good cook and I know this but I am bothered that I can not please him.  I do my best to control this issue especially where my children are concerned.  I do not want them to grow up thinking they must be pleased with everything someone does, or should lower their standards so someone can please them, or whatever other weird thing that would send them into therapy. 

We all need to look at the things we do, the things we require, the rules we have.  Are they realistic?  Are they just?  Are they valid or are they are own problems?  I had a friend who insisted her two year old niece had to sleep with her head at the correct end of the bed.  Seriously?  Who cares where her head is as long as she is in the bed quietly?  Definitely my friend's issue.  But she was convinced it was important.  Get someone you trust to lovingly and gently help you explore your baggage.  Be that person for someone else.  It can be hard to see our own messy stuff.  If we can recognize our issues, even if we don't 'fix' them, we can do better at keeping them out of our relationship with our adult children.

Of course, they still may need therapy.

Technology

I hate cell phones.

I have one as do my husband, both older daughters, and my oldest son.  We also have one we call the kid's phone that the youngers use when they have to go out to babysit or off somewhere.  I understand the need: no more pay phones, people without house phones, blah, blah.  Still, I hate taking cells out to dinner or on a drive or to visit friends and family.  I feel like the third wheel.  My husband and his phone having a great conversation while I sit and play with the straw in my iced tea.  One of the daughters chatting with her phone while I pick out a good head of lettuce in the produce aisle.  So why have a cell phone?  And what does this have to do with adult children?

Cell phones are the current means of communication.  Nothing I can do will change that.  As foreign as it feels if I want to effectively and efficiently communicate with this next generation I must participate in the cell phone thing.  I do so kicking and screaming. 

Sometimes I forget my phone someplace.  You would think it was a national emergency.  Everybody starts calling or texting whomever I might be with.  I get lectures from at least two people.  I have to text or call everyone who may have been texted or called to find me so they know I have been found.  I hate cell phones.  Maybe I didn't want to be found.  Maybe I drive through the dead spots so I can't be called in the car.  And no, I don't take my cell to the bathroom with me.  Wait long enough for me to pee!

There are a number of people I know who just refuse to do the cell thing.  The world is changing.  So many people don't have land lines anymore in their houses.  I can not in all good conscience let my kids go babysit without a cell at a house without a land line.  So don't let them babysit at a house without a land line, you might say.  That would seriously limit their income.  I guess I have to change with the world.  After all, it is not morally compromising unless you use it that way; it does not hurt anyone; it is not against my religion; it is not a bad thing.  I just don't like it. 

I give in because it keeps me in communication with my kids.  We still sit around the table and talk.  They still come to the kitchen to ask me advice while I am cooking.  We still joke around together doing after-supper chores.  The cell gives us another avenue.  They can ask me questions they don't want anyone else to hear.  They share pictures of whatever they are doing.  The cells have not replaced our face-to-face so I bite the bullet.

I still hate cell phones.  And I have not given in to the smart phone.  I draw the line at a phone that is smarter than me.

Obedience

We spend a significant amount of time disciplining our children.  We expect them to be obedient.  When do we expect that to stop?  I mean, I don't obey my parents anymore nor do they expect it of me.  When does that change happen?  Is it at a certain established age or is it that elusive when-they-are-ready?  When am I ready and should my readiness even come into play?

There is that commandment that says to obey your parents, or honor your parents depending on the translation you use.  Hmmm?  As a Catholic I turn to the Catechism of the Catholic Church. 
          "2217  As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family...As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents.  They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their admonitions.  Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is owed to them.  This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit."

Well, there you have it.  I think we may have to look into those emancipated children who live at home. 

We still expect all of our children as well as our guests to respect the rules of our home.  My father and his lady friend did not stay 'together' at our house until after they were married.  Although I respect my father's choices, he respects the rules we have established for our children.  We do the same for our daughter and son-in-law concerning their child.  We have raised eight children but if our granddaughter's parents want something done differently we will respect that.  Her parents, in line with their faith, willingly seek our advice on matters.  Sometimes we may not agree with their decisions.  If we have done our jobs as parents we should be able to trust their abilities.  We should also be able to trust in the Holy Spirit to take care of them.  God took care of us and then loaned us these children to take care of for a while.  Now it is time to give them back and trust them to Him.

Balance

Let's just get the cliche over with:  Life is a balancing act.  As mothers we already know that.  Who gets attention when?  Laundry or clean the bathrooms because there isn't time for both?  Who's soccer game am I supposed to be at today?  Or is there a field hockey game?  As if it wasn't hard enough, shall we add in those adult kids?

I have a great deal of trouble in this matter.  Oh, the laundry and bathrooms, I gave those up a long time ago.  As a homeschooling mom as well, something has to go...it is usually the housework.  It is messy, but I draw the line at dirty!  As a mother of eight, juggling who needs attention is another matter altogether.  It is one of the arguments I hear from people opposed to our family size.  Not that it is anyone's business but according to all the signs we are doing all right.  I am having  a heck of a time adding in these older kids.  How do I weight the troubles?  The older ones have real problems.  Cramping during pregnancy, broken down car, these can't wait.  But to the younger ones, their problems are just as big.  As adults we know that some of the 'problems' of a six year old are only real to them.  But to them they are really real and must be addressed.  Obviously the serious stuff must come first.  But what about the not quite serious stuff?  And what about that date night that Dad needs?  I could keep going round and round for pages yet.  My heart and brain run like a Nascar pacer. 
 
The Holy Spirit has been kind to me.  Those three older ones, they help immensely.  Somehow they often prioritize for me with an 'it can be after the soccer game', or 'I can cook supper if you want to take care of the hole in that favorite stuffed animal', or 'I don't know if this can wait'.  Oh, I was blessed with amazing children. 

Some days I get everyone taken care of almost before they knew they needed it.  And then there are those days when someone texts for help and I have left my cell in some undisclosed place.  Those first days are not consolation for those latter ones even when the neglected child understands or is triumphant without me.  I guess the Holy Spirit still has some work to do on me.

Recognize them as their own people

A few years ago, I was at Holy Mass with my two oldest girls.  It was just the three of us which is quite unusual.  We were saying, "...I confess to God and to you my brothers and sisters...".  All of a sudden, it struck me that these two girls standing next to me are my sisters in Christ.  They are so much more that just my children.  They are actual people completely independent from me.

Don't get me wrong.  Parents are very important to their children even when their children are grown.  And they are never really completely independent from us.  After all, we do mess with their minds for 18 or so years before they get free.  But, they are their own people.  It is important to see all of our children, no matter what age, as individuals with their own personalities, talents, ideas and vocations.  At some point, we have to see our adult children as adults.  Sometimes it is hard because we remember that they don't pick up their stuff and they still sleep with a stuffed animal.  We know their faults, the things they still don't do well, and the things they have not experienced yet.  How can they possibly be adults?  Especially since if they are adults, what does that make us?  Really old!

I still have a six year old so I can't be that old.  I don't know what excuse the rest of you are going to come up with but that is mine.   Oh, get over it!  Go dye your hair and learn to use a new app on your tablet!  We are only as old as we feel or act.

Those grown children of ours must be recognized as adults.  Try looking at them through someone else's eyes.  How does their employer look at them?  How do strangers interact with them?  What about other adults that haven't seen them in a while?

Watch them. Not with the eyes of a parent but just observe the way they do things.  Listen to them talk on the phone.  Watch their interactions with the waitress or the bank teller.  Notice something they do that you didn't teach them.  See the adult in them.  You might be surprised.  You might see a little bit of yourself sneaking out.  You could also see someone you have never seen before, someone who impresses you with their composure or their knowledge or whatever.

I'm not really sure when it happens or how but they do turn into adults.  I don't think there is a way to stop it either.  It is a new relationship we have with them and I must say as hard as it is, it can be just as rewarding as the previous one.  Have fun!

Statistics

These statistics are not meant to scare anyone.  They are here to help us understand our Millennials.  The Millennial generation was born after 1980 and is currently 18 to 31 years old.  All of the following information comes from articles in newspapers, magazines, and on the internet.

* Adolescence actually lasts until the early to mid 20s.
*The average marriage age for women in 1970 was 20.8 years;  in 2010 was 28.2 years.
*The class of 2009 had the highest annual unemployment rate on record for college graduates ages 20-24, almost 9%, an increase from 5.8% in 2008.
*A May 2013 study showed overall unemployment rate for recent college graduates was 7.9%.  Half of all recent grads are working jobs that don't require a degree. Youth unemployment and underemployment among college graduates was approximately 44%.
*April 2012 - 53.6% of bachelor degree holders under 25 were jobless or underemployed (highest jobless rate in at least 11 years).  April 2013 - above 40% of college graduates are unemployed and 16% are in part-time positions.
*April 2013 - 34% had student loans of $30,000 or less.  17% owed between $30,000 and $50,000. The Guardian is now labeling the American Dream as the American Debt.
*A recent Huffington Post article reports that 85% of new college graduates move back home and 13% of adult children age 18-29 return home after attempting to live on their own.
*In 2012, 36% of Millenials live with their parents.  This is the highest percentage in at least 40 years.  That translates to 21.6 million adult children living with their parents.
*Pew Research reports that 13% of parents with grown children say one of their grown children is still living at home.

I didn't find statistics on those who do not attend college.  Some of the stats above include both college-goers and non college-goers.  I did find a quote that sums up the whole thing,
             "Millenials is the most educated generation in American history and most probably in the world.  Yet, they are the least employed."   -Ahmed Median

There is a fine line.

One of the hardest things about this parent of adult children thing is judging when to be 'Mommy' and when to be 'Adult-mentory-person'.  Part of what makes it hard is that they don't know which one they want half of the time.  One minute you are supposed to just be listening while they tell you what they have decided to do; the next you hurt them because you didn't fix it.  Fix what?!  I thought I was supposed to be listening.

Remember, they are adults.  I tell them straight out, "You can't have it both ways there, Honey."  Ok, to be fair, I usually do it gently.  Even though sometimes I want to smack them up side the head!  Especially with my oldest, because of her personality, I do just lay it out.  Do you want me to be Mommy right now or are you just venting?  Do you want advice or do you want me just to listen?  It is the same thing I have done with adult friends on occasion.  I like the directness of this approach...I tend towards directness.  And actually, now #1 begins many the conversation stating what she wants from me.

I have found this is doubly important when it comes to the son-in-law.  As a good mother-in-law I want to look on him favorably but that is hard when I perceive him as hurting my baby girl.  Before he was the son-in-law, I learned to employ the direct approach in this department.

She would come to me with a complaint about him.  I would dutifully listen.  She would go away.  I would worry...sometimes all night.  I would ask her about it the next day.  She would look at me quizzically and say something about just venting or not really a problem.  I would bang my head on a wall.  You would be surprised how motivating a wall can be.  Application of directness, "Honey, before you continue, are you just venting or do you want my help?"  Savings on ibuprofen alone was worth it.

As a mommy does, I want to teach them.  Part of that teaching is to make them define the line.  For them, it is part of being an adult.  But also for me, it is part of being an adult.  The boundaries I set when they were little kept them safe and allowed us to enjoy each other.  The boundaries we set now, together, will hopefully have the same effect.

Disclaimer

I am not an expert.

I am a Catholic homeschooling mother of eight children.  We have two adult children and one who is just about there.  We are in-laws and became grandparents two weeks ago.  To make things even more exciting we also have teenagers, pubescent girls, and two little boys ages 8 and 6.  I am not an expert - most people think I am crazy!

I am a dedicated wife and mother who truly loves and enjoys her children.  I have worked with children in religious education, youth ministry, day care, girl scouts, student teaching, and 4H.  My husband and I were also houseparents for 4 emotionally handicapped boys for three years.

I have a good relationship with my adult children.  I am looking to continue it.  This blog assumes you have a good relationship with your children and just need support in maintaining that relationship now that they are adults.

I don't know anything about the sending-them-off-to-college thing.  With the way things have changed in recent years, our oldest two did not go off the college.  They both looked at options that involved living at home.  Statistics show that 85% of new college graduates in 2012 moved back home.  I hope this blog will help after they come back as well as if they never left.

Why?

Why write this blog?  Well, I have two adult children, one married and one living at home.  The married one lives across the field, less than a two minute walk away.  I am feeling out how to do this parent, in-law, grandparent thing.  I asked one of the moms in our homeschool group who had children closer to my age than I am to hers for her wisdom and sage advice.  She had nothing.  

I searched the internet.  I got some advice on what not to do and lists of communicating, or getting them out, or fixing your relationship.  Nothing that really helped.

What next?  Amazon search...4990 results under "parenting adult children", 1630 under "parent and adult child".  Most of it was irrelevent.  The rest was titles about getting them out, dealing with the dissappointing ones, setting boundaries, getting along with them, and reclaiming your life.  My favorite - "An Adult Child's Guide to What's Normal" by John and Linda Friel.  I don't even want to go there!  I also am not dissappionted or wanting them out; we already get along; and I have spent the last 18+ years setting boundaries.  What about our everyday lives together?

So, I went to the local public library.  We live in a small town so I wasn't expecting much.  Got nothing.

Maybe everyone else was good with this new parenting task.  Nope!  As I talked with friends and family, family friends, and friends of family, I found that I wasn't the only one.  At least three people said they would buy that book if I wrote it.

Well, a book takes time, lots of time.  A blog seemed the fastest way to get the discussion started.