Dying to self

It takes a long time to understand what 'dying to self' means in the various roles of our lives.  In the broad sense we die-to-self in charity work or volunteer opportunities.  As mothers, I think it is more natural, sort of built into the job.  Being pregnant, you know, the whole sharing of your body with another person thing, kinda sets the stage.  As wives, I think it is harder.  I certainly have not perfected it.  Sometimes I feel like I have died to self and been so replaced by what everyone else needs or wants that not only can't I find any pieces of myself  but I forget what those pieces might even look like.  Sometimes, especially when I am lying in bed at night not sleeping because it is the 15th time I have been woken up and trying to sleep is useless, I resent all of it.  Not the big life choices, not giving up career or a masters degree, but everyday small things.  I don't eat my favorite supper because no one else really likes it and I am too busy making sure everyone else gets their favorite once in a while.  I don't even remember what my favorite supper is.  I don't watch the shows I want unless I am alone which is almost never.  I don't drive a car I want, I don't go places I would like to, I can't relax the way I would like,  I don't listen to the music I want, I don't hang out with the people I would like to.  Heck, I don't hang out with anybody.  Who am I kidding?  I take care of everything so everyone else can do what they need to do, or take care of who or what they need to take care of.  No one is there to take care of me.

And then I wise up and tell myself to get over it.

These are real feelings, though.  They need to be dealt with in order to maintain.  And in order to teach our children how to deal, how to die to self the right way.

If you are looking here for advice on how to handle this issue, I got nothin'.  Sorry. 

I am pretty sure prozac and alcohol are not the answer.  I think women tried that in the 50's and it wasn't really successful.  Adult children who recognize that look are good.  They sometimes put me someplace and give me large glasses of soda with lots of ice and shoo the younger kids away for an afternoon.  That helps.  Although, I don't recommend the soda very often.  My nutritionist uses nasty words like 'self medicating', and 'stress eating'.  I think chocolate fits that category too.  Any of that comfort food, actually.  She keeps trying to get me to admit it isn't really a comfort.  She obviously doesn't do it right.

What do I do?  Wait for it to blow over.  Have a good self-pitying cry.  Eat a creme horn because no one else likes them.  Be cranky for the day.  -Nothing I would recommend to anyone else...except the cry.  That is relatively harmless and often helpful.

What am I going to do to help my adult children, especially the girls, with this?  Make sure I am here to take care of  them and give them their favorite supper once in a while for no other reason than I love them.

I would welcome advice on either question.