There is a fine line.

One of the hardest things about this parent of adult children thing is judging when to be 'Mommy' and when to be 'Adult-mentory-person'.  Part of what makes it hard is that they don't know which one they want half of the time.  One minute you are supposed to just be listening while they tell you what they have decided to do; the next you hurt them because you didn't fix it.  Fix what?!  I thought I was supposed to be listening.

Remember, they are adults.  I tell them straight out, "You can't have it both ways there, Honey."  Ok, to be fair, I usually do it gently.  Even though sometimes I want to smack them up side the head!  Especially with my oldest, because of her personality, I do just lay it out.  Do you want me to be Mommy right now or are you just venting?  Do you want advice or do you want me just to listen?  It is the same thing I have done with adult friends on occasion.  I like the directness of this approach...I tend towards directness.  And actually, now #1 begins many the conversation stating what she wants from me.

I have found this is doubly important when it comes to the son-in-law.  As a good mother-in-law I want to look on him favorably but that is hard when I perceive him as hurting my baby girl.  Before he was the son-in-law, I learned to employ the direct approach in this department.

She would come to me with a complaint about him.  I would dutifully listen.  She would go away.  I would worry...sometimes all night.  I would ask her about it the next day.  She would look at me quizzically and say something about just venting or not really a problem.  I would bang my head on a wall.  You would be surprised how motivating a wall can be.  Application of directness, "Honey, before you continue, are you just venting or do you want my help?"  Savings on ibuprofen alone was worth it.

As a mommy does, I want to teach them.  Part of that teaching is to make them define the line.  For them, it is part of being an adult.  But also for me, it is part of being an adult.  The boundaries I set when they were little kept them safe and allowed us to enjoy each other.  The boundaries we set now, together, will hopefully have the same effect.